PIGS CAN FLY TO THE MOON AND BACK

From China With Love

2012-01-17T00:57:00.007+08:00

sailing along the blowing winds
for the day, day of miracles, like any other sunny days
those that run through your hair
could be my air
breezy, i breathe

i looked at your looks
you peeped at my eyes
glanced upon my lips, you thief
touching our dizzy but warm face
breathing in desires
breathing out a frustration

leaned but to where did you mean to head
as we were not certain
of who we really are
last night's talking dancing in my head
you of a hero, the strong one, you got to be
i could be too when i have seen
but

why the stares now, how could you
melting a butter
taking me from every corner
feeding me to euphoria
and confirmed a personal dream
of you and me
lost and then found
i was your girl, till i hadn't

you forgotten something
remember
remember hard
the words spoken by your lips
had being the perfect killer
so professional, so absolute

o my goodness gracious did him and i have forgotten it!

hence we chose to fall
from the high and the low
from a room to another
there were sounds
as there were images
heartbeats
nudity
your name
the color of my skin
and i
envy your long steady breaths for ever.

That blue sometimes burgundy Lake where 'Bob the navigator' understood. Azmil called it 'adventure' let's just get this over with, I said

2012-01-16T01:40:00.005+08:00

vader and i

we're getting married

to each other

that's what

for the time being

time stops.

'taro si anak naga'

2012-01-01T11:45:00.001+08:00

aku rasa aku mengandung lah
seriously?
ya aku sudah kelewatan rasanya dua bulan
mau periksa guna kalendar?
boleh jugak
jap aku ambil
ini, aku dapat, jadi untuk bulan yg itu aku patut dapat dalam tarikh yg sama, kalau tak pun akan tiba pada bulan seterusnya pada hari yg ini
jadi kau mula lompat tarikhnya pada bulan yg mana satu?
bulan ini rasanya
oh jadi baru hanya lewat sekali?
ya tapi...
kau rancang ka?
tak. saja pancut dalam
ok
bagaimana jika aku benar mengandung ni?
dunia menang, bunian bakal tuntut serta hukum kau nanti
inikah masa nya itu yg kita tahu akan tiba?
kau rileks dulu, ada kemungkinan kau tak mengandung sebenarnya

dear john

2012-01-01T04:01:00.002+08:00

what does a drink taste like?

old man's pee

why do people drink?

'cause everything else stinks too

Rekreasi, Taman Sains

2011-11-07T22:41:00.001+08:00

Jangan kau pasti yang terlalu sehingga ianya menipu.
Boleh sahaja suatu jiwa ini aku beri kepada kamu.
Berjalan-jalan di kawasan rekreasi menawan jantung.
Kalau itu yang kau mahu dari aku.

Tapi jangan sesekali bersumpah atas nama-Nya.
Untuk bilang pada aku tentang cinta.
Kerana kertas memo ini banyak muka suratnya.
Ada sesekali hikayat yang mencipta satu cerita.
Pada waktu itu peristiwa aku kau sudah pun terlupa.
Walau sekali pun nama.

Pendalaman ini mungkin bukan untuk tafsiran kamu.
Pengertian gila ini mungkin bukan untuk otakmu.
Manipulasi puisi aku yang diciptakan selalu.
Bukan untuk kau puja setiap waktu.
Kelewatan minda aku untuk setuju.
Bisa hanya membuang masa kamu.
Kepercayaan tentang fenomena yang kelu.
Bukanlah sesuatu yang kamu selalu mahu.

Mungkin juga kau perlukan ria.
Seseorang yang tulis pada cermin maksud gembira.
Yang bisa bawa kamu kepada ketawa.
Ceria seperti matahari yang sanskritnya suria.
Tiada selewengkan bahasa dan berjudi jiwa.
Hanya saat-saat yang indah.
Dengan rupa paras yang sangat menggoda.

Oleh itu, tolong kamu jangan terlalu.
Percaya pada perkataan kamu itu.
Bahawasanya yang kamu terus selalu.
Kerana kelak atas kertas yang baru.
Sekiranya tukang karut itu memberitahu.
Wahai kamu walaupun bukan niat dalam buku.
Untuk jatuh.
Dan dalam sesebuah jam yang tersangatlah sayu.
Yang ini aku bilang tentang sumpahku.
Untuk menerima segala kejadian kita dan orang baru.
Sebagai bukti janji untuk menjadi seseorang rekreasi, khas untuk kamu.

science

2011-11-04T19:36:00.002+08:00

My stranger land. The only place in this world. Why? But why not. Oh I don't want to go oh please. Stop sending me away. This betrayal, so personal. Nobody could understand. And I began to drift myself away. My confidence is vaguely. The oath is rather bullshit now. I close my door, leave the windows open. So I could still see but none of your entrance. Traitor, I will kill you in my dreams tonight. Prick bastard

A Proud Malay

2011-11-03T03:13:00.002+08:00

Jack. The joke is on you. The stolen Black Pearl is now on land, rigid and lair. There's nothing you can do but to give way to DDZ's Kapten Sparrow, son of the distressed Jonki.

As the newly appointed captain of the ship slowly navigating - not to mention had already kidnapped the other two cats into a den - he listens to a conversation by two, of rather peculiar human being;

Dua puluh tiga campur lima belas peratus, lepas tu kau bahagi dengan enam puluh satu perpuluhan lima tiga dan sambil itu kau kalikan dengan lapan belas kuasa dua, apa kau dapat?

Aku rasa, adalah dalam beberapa orang bapak aku jemput pergi kenduri kahwin kawan aku dekat Subang tu yang dulu ada sekali jumpa kau masa kita berumur lapan belas tahun. Yang dekat belakang tanduk rusa itu.

Dalam lebih kurang tiga belas peratus tadi atau apa-apa lah ada tak sepuluh ribu ringgit dalam tangan? Sebab kalau enam tiga kosong campur dua lapan lapan mana nak sama dengan kucing belang?

Bukan yang itu wey. Semalam kau tak nampak ke yang kakak tiri kepada abang ipar aku tu bawa roti Gardenia untuk kasi makan kucing Persian jiran dia. Dalam bakul tu ada sandwich sama papan tanda hijau dekat sekolah Cina.

Zaibo, kalau empat empat tujuh darab dengan dua titik perpuluhan, boleh tak kau jangan pandang sana?

Okay sorry sebab dua juta aku kasi sama anak-anak yatim tapi dalam enam ringgit sembilan puluh sen aku tanam hidup-hidup.

Sudin, aku ada tujuh belas lapan tiga sama enam satu dua lapan, so kiranya lima dua tujuh belah anak tangga lah ya. Cuba kau periksa apakah bangsa dia dan kalau boleh agamanya sekali.

Melayu. Untuk panduan van jenazah pasti sekali Melayu Muslim.

Jangan pandang! Apa cuba kau lakukan ni?

Jalil, mana satu aku harus jawab? Soalan ilmu hisab atau usul periksa penyiasatan ahli berkuasa?

Aku minta maaf Jailani, aku susahkan kau

Wey aku pun sama Rosli

...the end.

'Two three cat running running' isn't as favorable as dua tiga kucing berlari. Do not play with the classics, it'll only make you sound like a dumb Malay and certainly grammatically wrong.

All right, I'm done for now.

This is the last one..

2011-10-10T02:19:00.004+08:00

okay is when a case closed.

humor is when i'm wrong about a person.

forgiving is when i cry to the mobile screen.

a junkie is someone who changes her number.

...this one lasts.

Fair Girl

2011-10-08T07:39:00.003+08:00

I miss Paris, the city and its street urinals. I miss being the Great Cook as far as a starvation in the stranger land is concerned. I miss London, the city and its parks of where a gargoyle would lair. I miss the ironies of conquering two of Europe's oldest and boldest cities with a constraint budget in an outnumbered fellowship of two of which both are amateurs of sentimentality. I miss the repetition of a cold gloomy night, in which each time when the new day comes, it is overlooked and its depression is forgotten. I miss the kind of encouragement that each other embraced after gained from one another as to always fighting off the 'fairly judgment' that are made by the general public, which, under any circumstances, the union looked rather silly in berets.

Just so you know (your pick, always)

How ironically this being where the above-mentioned "fairly judgment" could mean any of both, acceptable opinion and a seldom one.

fg

Azmil, Anthology, Anti-Jew

2011-09-27T13:45:00.006+08:00

Drummer ghost hit the cymbals, producing loud sounds, only that it wasn't really a ghost, it was a black cat. Oh, one wanted a kitten so bad, the creature comes hitting drums. I also told you it could be a sign.

What's a grey cat, with hair that is long and silky, that isn't really a cat? You said a fox maybe. Or a minx. Face brightened, I said I knew it! And claimed myself a literature interpreter and a deep one too.

You rang me up. I told you about beautiful coincidences. You asked me if we were crazy. I said, it's crazy.

I said earlier that you were a terrorist. You said it was hardly nothing much for the deputy minister.

I learn from a dead writer and love a dark skinned man. Hence, figuring out under 'red jackets, stirrup cups, and the bloody, sadistic murder of a fox' and around it..might as well become the remedy of my personal sickness one that is a secret and over time drags me into a relapse.

Just maybe.

Possibly.

laughter is the best medicine

2011-09-10T12:33:00.001+08:00

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

hahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahaha

hahahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahahaha

hahahahahahahahahahahahigh

Will the Impostor

2011-09-04T13:30:00.003+08:00

4/9/11, gombak

mode: ruining a poet's image (literally)

description: (refer to image above)....i'd like to dedicate the green-haired persona to you sir, only you.

"beauty is timeless,

or so you (had) speak,

i find it ridiculous,

the summer you'd compare 'thee' with."

...to the clinic somewhere nearby for behaving like a twelve-year-old

2011-08-07T03:56:00.003+08:00

Thank you for remembering our conversations. Thank you for crying on behalf of me that night. Thank you for those pretty necklaces. Thank you for getting me a slice of bread. Thank you for letting me use the towel. Thank you for introducing me to Cery. Thank you for repeating Cold Water. Thank you for the colorful socks. Thank you for sending me to the train station. Thank you for lending me some money. Thank you for the humor. Thank you for the birthday card. Thank you for covering me up. Thank you for not letting me clean your house. Thank you for offering me to stay. Thank you for the water in the fridge. Thank you for picking me up at Gombak. Thank you for the pink hair pin.

All I had ever done was not sending you to the clinic and told you to fight for your life.

reader's digest

2011-08-01T05:03:00.003+08:00

Our poetry i wish do not weep for me, though you said Goodbye. Twice

Like that song, telling me to sleep not weep, o my sweet

; the sun is up, you are beautiful, but, you are not mine, but, i always wanted to know

; come with me, we’ll go skinny dipping, at a secret beach, i’ll get the salt water out of you, i will fall off a lot, get high on nature

; come marry me and stay here, no i’m going back tomorrow, i have someone waiting for me, you have beautiful eyes, thanks Andre

; i want someone crazy, both good and bad, i knew a girl who used to be, but she is stupid now

; i would not do it if i don’t get what i asked for, if i can’t have your love, i want your body, you will get body parts and a heart

; how is your heart, organ or emotion state, both please, it’s too early to tell but you want to feel both with your palm, and you did, heart is on you

; i am still not a whore, who says you are, i love you

; i doubt you can do it, i guess my doubts are right again, no babe you are my substance, i’m addicted to you, and so it is, your stash won’t be enough

; let’s go away and get married, i’ll work a fixed hours job, you figure out a new dream, we run somewhere far from the people we know and get a small house in a sleepy town, get high once a week and make love to each other every night, write a letter to our folks every month, have a baby boy to compensate them, you’ll be away few times in a year, i’m off to europe for short courses on human anthropology, return to our home when season is over and kiss for many times

; it’s sacred that’s what it is, then don’t do it, but it’s sacred to me, let’s do it so we can be sacred

; the images, the whole scene. Your penetration, my secret body. You love my hair that falls over my eyes, i love the hands that grab my skin

; do you want me to go now, you need to take more nap

; you hate to do it the controversial way, i had found out that you were boring and slow, called me a fool, what was i suppose to do

; don’t deny me, you will suffer, here i am, don’t be a hero, i am finally naked

; this crap is my shithole, you’d be in love with me, it’s just a phase, i wasn’t quite sure what is

; that He has called you up to be among the blessed one, you are given a chance to be close to Him, isn’t He very forgiving?, especially to beautiful minds like yours, don’t punish yourself before He does, that ain’t your job

; are you pushing me away, avoiding me, we have different plans, you are not the only one with dreams, quit being selfish, deal with it, it’s part of life

; what do you want, to be normal

How would you write this part?

I'd skip it if I could

My take on 'it'

2011-08-01T00:09:00.001+08:00

I had come into that room of gods and floating lives,I had stayed in a box of no return,
I had seen above humankind and challenged to stay,
They would call me home, asked me to come back.

I had breathed under the laser beams, gasping for true air,
I have had let my body lingered around the repetitions,
I had let myself exhausted from the fighting,
I had let the music invaded my whole mind,
They called me home, asking to come back.

I had been very thirsty,
I have been in too many bars,
I have few expressions that I had regretted,
I have had men showed me the way,
I had deliberately put myself on fire, from the inside,
They had called me home, I had to come back.

Now, years had passed.
Few had stopped.
Many had left.
More have given up.
Some are still trying.
They keep calling me home,
"chez, come back"
Why oh why can't I?
This time, they could not, and i would not.

selamat hari jadi tigerboy!

2011-07-26T11:42:00.001+08:00

tali:

kita celebrate jom

guli:

malas arr wey

cangkul

aku permainkan bos aku

tali:

yes babun

kau ckp pe

guli:

dia call aku malas mau angkat takut suara ketat bahasa binasa

tali:

hahahaha

pergh bikin benci wey

guli:

kau harus faham

tali:

kau patut dtg ja minggu ni goyang kaki

aku nk berak atas meja pun tak siapa peduli

guli:

tp aku bagi dia kehormatan juga

tali:

kau masalah keluarga dgn jenglot

jenglot tu keluarga

kau rasa aku patut ka ke gombik

guli:

tak payah pun takpa

tali:

hahahahaha

bodoh sial

tahi aku tembam 2 bijik kontot sebijik

guli:

aku tinggal satu panjang kote, yang lain habuk kebuk wasap

tali:

cilaka la

sakit kau minggu hadapan

parah

guli:

dtg gombik because you love me

tali:

lain macam bunyi

guli:

apa lain macam?

tali:

kaki dah henjut

guli:

itu lain macam bunyi tu

tali:

tu yg aku ckp tu lain mcm ni

guli:

kaki goyang goyang

pokok tanya aku

apa dalam baju

seluar dalam nama cina

tali:

aku nak pi beli something jap

guli:

beli pacu roda api atau makmal sains magik atau kandungan zat besi?

tali:

guli:

huh?

tali:

beb akal aku tgh panjang ni

cuma takut tak sama dgn kau. kau dh jauh ke depan

guli:

beb akal aku ni tak tau lah apa. takut kau mau lempang ja muka aku ini

tali:

semalam aku tido mampus so ini hari aku kuat harimau

guli:

tapi kasih sayang tetap pada rakan guli

tali:

bagus

guli:

hari ini harijadi tiggibu agaknya la

tali:

mcm syok la layan sial kau baring tilam bawah

guli:

kalau berani tanggung balasan hukum syarah sila mai sini bersukan minda

tali:

aku harap kau masih biul

guli:

jangan risau harimau kumbang

takut nanti kau tak mau kawan sama aku lagi

tali;

awat kau ni mcm emily rose je bunyi

guli:

hahahahaha

perghhh kau memang padanan untuk aku la

terima kasih dunia

tali:

wey seram bunyi

guli:

.....

tali:

hang kulit kaler apa

guli:

warna kuning langsat sepanduk jati

tali:

takut dah hitam tp kau rabun kau nampak kuning

guli:

rabun rabun ayam jalil hamid

tali:

malu la kalau cina baca ni

guli:

itu hiburan hadiah untuk kau saja

cina itu sana beijing lor, kasi kung fu sama leslie cheung maaa

tapi jangan kasi tau sama itu cina yang aku sudah biul wey

dia fikir aku sewel. i hate it whenever he says 'i told you so'

Sea Monster

2011-07-01T23:05:00.003+08:00

Pada suatu hari, ikan jerung kata pada sang tupai, "oi jom ikut aku pergi"
sang tupai kata, "aku tak cekap berenang"
ikan jerung pun berkata, "aku ajar engkau"
sang tupai menjawab, "bukan senang nak ajar aku"
ikan jerung bertanya, "kenapa?"
sang tupai jawab, "sebab aku lebih suka melompat"
ikan jerung lalu berkata, "cuba dulu baru tahu"
sang tupai kata, "nanti kalau aku tak suka bagaimana?"
ikan jerung jawab, "aku hantar kau pulang"
sang tupai lalu bertanya lagi, "jika aku lemas berenang bagaimana?"
ikan jerung menjawab, "aku selamatkan kau"
sang tupai tanya lagi, "kalau aku mati juga?"
ikan jerung jawab, "engkau berani"
sang tupai berkata, "kau cabar aku sekarang?"
ikan jerung kata, "aku hanya mahu bawa kau pergi"
sang tupai bercakap, "tapi aku tidak boleh melompat di laut"
ikan jerung lalu berkata, "kita berenang sama-sama"
sang tupai kata, "kan aku dah kata aku tidak cekap berenang"
ikan jerung berkata lagi, "aku kata aku akan ajar kau"
sang tupai kata lagi, "jika aku kelemasan di air bagaimana?"
ikan jerung lagi berkata, "aku akan selamatkan kau"
sang tupai bertanya, "kau hantar aku pulang jika aku tidak suka?"
ikan jerung jawab, "ya"
sang tupai lalu berkata, "mengapa aku mesti kena cuba?"
ikan jerung menjawab, "sebab kau tidak tahu lagi"
sang tupai kata, "tak boleh kah aku melompat saja?"
ikan jerung kata, "tidak"
sang tupai bertanya, "kenapa?"
ikan jerung berkata, "sebab aku mahu bawa kau pergi"
sang tupai kata, "tapi aku tidak cekap berenang"
ikan jerung pun berkata, "aku akan ajar engkau"
sang tupai bertanya, "kenapa?"
ikan jerung berkata, "supaya kau tidak lemas nanti"
sang tupai bertanya, "kalau aku lemas?"
ikan jerung menjawab, "kau akan mati"
sang tupai tanya lagi, "jika aku boleh berenang?"
ikan jerung kata, "kau tidak payah melompat lagi"
sang tupai tanya, "kenapa?"
ikan jerung jawab, "sebab aku akan bawa kau pergi"
sang tupai tanya lagi, "bawa aku pergi mana?"
ikan jerung jawab, "berenang"
sang tupai tanya, "untuk apa?"
ikan jerung jawab, "supaya kau tahu apa kau cuba"
sang tupai tanya, "aku akan suka?"
ikan jerung jawab, "kau akan tahu"
sang tupai kata, "aku akan tahu bagaimana berenang bersama kau"
ikan jerung kata, "ya"
sang tupai tanya, "kalau aku lemas berenang?
ikan jerung jawab, "aku akan selamatkan kau"
sang tupai tanya lagi, "kalau aku tidak suka?"
ikan jerung menjawab, "aku hantar kau pulang"
sang tupai tanya, "buat apa mahu aku berenang?"
ikan jerung kata, "aku mahu bawa kau pergi"
sang tupai kata, "kalau aku mati nanti?"
ikan jerung jawab, "jadi kau akan tahu kau tidak boleh berenang ikut aku pergi"

sang tupai tanya, "buat apa mahu bawa aku pergi"
ikan jerung jawab, "supaya kau tahu"
sang tupai kata, "sebab aku cuba"
ikan jerung kata, "sebab kau mati lemas"
sang tupai kata, "sebab kau bawa aku pergi"
ikan jerung kata, "sebab kau tidak cekap berenang"
sang tupai kata, "sebab kau mahu aku cuba"
ikan jerung kata, "sebab kau mahu ikut aku pergi"
sang tupai kata, "sebab aku mahu tahu"

ikan jerung pun kata, "aku mahu kau tahu"
sang tupai kata, "supaya aku ikut kau berenang"
ikan jerung kata, "supaya aku bawa kau pergi"
sang tupai kata, "aku tak mahu mati"
ikan jerung kata, "aku ajar kau berenang"
sang tupai kata, "supaya aku tahu apa?"
ikan jerung jawab, "aku akan selamatkan kau jika kau lemas nanti"

Pada suatu hari yang sama, sang tupai berkata pada ikan jerung,
"oi jom bawa aku pergi"
ikan jerung lalu berkata, "aku tidak mahu kau mati nanti"

'o can you please teach me how to swim,
o birds of the underwater,
o can you please don't let me
die on you, fish,
i love you o please don't sink like me,
if you love me too please don't let me swim.'

Bola

2011-05-08T17:30:00.002+08:00

This episode of How I Met Your Mother ini sudah 4 kali rerun. No no this particular blog bukan a journal as i know better enough that a diary is an attention seeking form of expression, dan membosankan. Dalam rumah Darwina Dazman ini there's an 'island', a sofa bed in the middle of the living area di mana kami ber'sunbathing' facing a window. Bangun saja dari tidur aku kata, "shit! Wee! is it 2.30 already?!"

"Gila hang ni. It's ten lah. Mana dapat jam dua ni?"

Entah. Stupid head, worrying about the time but only because I was supposed to wish him good luck untuk perlawanan bola sepak dalam League yang has been mentioned since, forever. Darwina Dazman masih lagi surfing the net, little miss curious she is.

Lagu Enrique's Heartbeat had being played over and over again, kenapalah lately aku sukakan lagu pop. Strangely (eh is this a valid word?), aku mendapati ianya artistic. Ternyata aku sudah gila.

Dejavu? No no, J.Lo appear in this particular episode as guest star dan yang tadi was American Idol. Jeez

I'm super lazy to go to work. I know ini cliche tapi it means a lot to me to say it out loud. Darwina Dazman pakai baju 'waters of africa', in a way, ingatkan aku tentang Bono's fight to free the country from debts. Juga, Azmil's childish dream untuk menjadi NatGeo's documentarist di mana dia bisa self-feed his curiosity about dietary of the Savannah-ians.

Aku ada juga kata ini, "different? everyone is. What makes her (mat salleh) special? Anyone who isn't Malaysian is different. Don't be silly, it is only because you don't know who they are. I'm sure she thinks you are different too." Your heart does not need someone yang differ from others. Itu urban myth. Hati kamu perlukan a girl that turned back to being skinny from her mysterious weight gain dan satu fenomena rapid heartbeats, untuk identify cinta atau dalam bahasa Inggerisnya love.

Oh ya, I am also not a whore.

Malam bulan dipagar bintang

2011-02-11T12:12:00.003+08:00

“sentuh awan pantai timur di atas permaidani ajaib menunggang kuda magika balik ke graviti untuk hadiah istimewa daripada kawan baik yang jahat” kata aku

This may has nothing to do with you, and me too. But this is what life could mean at times you are unnoticed and well.

What happens to you at 4.23 in the morning?

How can you fuck that ass? They’re sloped

You’re sorry? Don’t make me say the cliché lines to you

Do you love this girl? Do you like her? Is this love? Is this romantic to you? Did you think this could make it to MTV? Are you in love with her? Am I walking to your one night stand?

Do you not love anymore?

Tell it now.

Tell it like you mean it.

Tell it to my face.

That what’s fucking just now was love and this fully dressed figure standing in front of you isn’t.

You know what happens if you cheat on me?

One. You break my heart

Two. You break your promises

Three. You may carry STDs

Four. You set me free

Five. You get to leave

Six. You gotta figure out if it was only sex or was it love

Seven. I might have to cry

Congratulations. You are among people

“Junk is not, like alcohol or weed, a means to increase enjoyment in life. Junk is not a kick. It is a way of life” – William S. Burroughs

Disappearing into a night

Night of destruction

the falling of an empire

the emperor’s new best friend

two bestie laughing at their quotes

random sayings of all time

“feelings are chemistry”

“fuck, I’m flying to Egypt”

“I have a black heart”

Time tells only time. Sometimes it tells a lie. Most of the time, it does not. Time is counted by one and chase after one another and has three generations; the past, the present, and the future. Time makes English. Time doesn’t tell colors and I can’t draw or paint or write it.

Time gets in the way of love

Love takes time

Time affects love

Love forgets about time

Time sets love apart

Love waits for time (o right one)

Time shapes the love

Love works around time

Time makes potential love look bad

Love needs time to heal

Time for love to go

Love doesn’t travel through time

Time makes lovers don’t collide

Love can’t wait any longer

Time brings love here

Keep disappearing into that night

one that has no name

Batman returns

while I, going out to get ice cream

with no panties on for temperament

empty wallets of our humanity

broken dreams of Congo

hidden monsters in closets unleashed

the east of the Chinese population

the end of the world

diversed thoughts of modern believers

the kamasutra of polygamy

the forsaken journeys of 12 blind men

the look of love

powerless force of supernatural education

my left side of the brain

disappearing into a night

calling someone ‘penipu’

watching a film with a poet

understanding a best friend’s love affair

then tell her it’s gonna be okay

loot at me

look at me real closely

you are great without him

with him you’re at number 2

the he calls you to say goodbye

from Scotland

and you say, “do you have any last words?”

disappearing into some nights

of adjusting

replacing

contemplating

demanding

giving

forgetting

longing

wondering

dreaming

my domestic vocabulary had run out

I read stories

What about you

She writes about me

at my diary

then return it to me

as a gift

disappearing into a musical night (please remember)

unseen night skies play peculiar notes of the higher power

where my immature voice would sound okay and the player on my brother’s computer is set to repeat mode

only the homeless can sing at night

do you wanna know why?

Because they don’t have a home

Hence, they search for beautifully trashed random shelters reciting

“malam bulan di pagar bintang, makin indah jika dipandang”

Oh! The moon…

The moon plays the keyboard, sometimes piano.

Disappearing into a night

of being you and being me

and not.

The not of you

The not of me

so that

this one right here can rhyme

you

night

not,

you

not

night,

night

you

not,

not

you

night.

Syukriya

(of India)

Truly,

Nina

Listen to our hearts

2011-01-21T23:25:00.000+08:00

Bad friend o my bad friend of mine,
Crimson dusk takes over the skies,
We choose the road less taken,
Dancing with our hearts that were broken,
We promise not to let us die,
Before one another,
So we live until nature takes the course,
And angels calling,
Bad friend o bad friend of mine,
Listen to our minds but others,
We figure what makes the world go round,
Ignorant about the details bound,
Bad friend o bad friend of mine,
My best friend of bad friends of life.

o em jee

2010-10-05T08:47:00.002+08:00

I'm breathing fake air
something in this air...it suffocates me
The air is poisoned. The water is contaminated.
I took a sip, I felt it in.
The food I ate. They gave me aches.
I barely could think, hardly wanting to see.
Everything else in this world, doesn't interest me.
Family became unfamiliar, they sucked my soul out
I don't believe in anything anymore.
Time is the culprit, it will make the end begins
at this point, it stabs me, failing me from breathing.
I'm connecting the dots, plotting a chronology
how did it all started, how did this feeling
I know I want it but I'm clawed by needs
the answer isn't love, that isn't it
ahead, an open field offers the searching
there is still a long way to go before eternity
My God, the sole ruler of all
such a great deal of torture, well planned and subtle
a heart that hopes for an uncertainty
become certain but hopeless still
I'm grateful for mutuality
but the agony is uncanny
I want to be home, or any place home
He says run away with me
I said no.
other, My savior, walk the clouds
to whom I handed my lonely heart
I kill you with no sword
something creeps in, I could not control
My love, the love of my life
how I wish you would see life's cruelty
to revert all the joy and care you bring
i'd say, omg

Kita kan...

2010-05-12T18:58:00.001+08:00

Darwina. Hartamas residential park. ‘Tits’. Mineral water. Baju kurung. School buses. 1500 hrs meeting. That left turn to MITI.

“Feelings are chemical”

“It’s beyond our (two people) control”

Tulis. Tulis. Tulis.

Sometimes we both agree that the answer to life is 42.

Darwina is scared of dying. But bold enough to tell me why.

We have another one lost soul, lingers around Solaris or some shitty bar somewhere, drinking till the last drop.

We have passed ‘The Weekenders: The Vampire, The Rich Kid, The Depressed Girl, and The Stoner’ chapter.

It has been a year.

Darwina and I, and the week days.

6191.

I’m one of the horses.

Old story about a plant that turned everyone crazy, now isn’t gonna make us laugh.

Theories; right and wrong ones. We hold so dear, believing them only if we’re together. Times in another, we are frightened by them.

Mom, dad, mama, papa, sisters.

New painted walls in Darwina’s apartment.

Her petting zoo.

My CDs are now all over the place.

We don’t care about songs now.

Radiohead’s Surprise; Darwina’s funeral song.

Mine is Jimmy Eat World’s May Angels Lead You In.

Thank you. I love the necklace.

Darwina’s long hours wait.

“Sampai bila?”

“Kejar bahagia”

Happiness in topics. I reserved my comments in most of the time.

Darwina’s theories on marriage.

My funny speculation on Judaism and Christianity.

A captain and Saving Private Darwina.

Are we losing faith in one another?

I’m writing a book in my mind.

This chapter still feels like an introductory. If it ends, what will happen to the rest of the book?

To find a person that inspires...and hilarious and unintentionally destructing you...

...is got to be a search of a lifetime. I’m not sure I wanna go through a quest, again. Leave it to Hans Solo.

Best of friends? Worst of friends? Two worst of friends turned best friends.

In the month of April? Or could be May? June perhaps?

Playground.

An empty house after an open field.

1 to 2 to 3 to 4 to 3 to 2

Monsters and ghosts. Voices and noises. Dreams and sleeping with a smile carved on Darwina’s lips.

I drove, and drove, and drove. She refused to most of the time.

Darwina drove to the shop for bread, one day. To feed me.

Change of moods. Change of promises. Change of judgment. Change of perception. Change of friends, who have resented us. We have not changed.

My favourite chapter, so far. Though it’s unfinished.

Most exclusive and personal and true.

Darwina should come up with a title for it.

Tear up the pages if you wanna.

I’d still have my copy

Think

2010-05-04T22:33:00.004+08:00

He looks away

...probably penetrating his thoughts deep into clouds of nighty skies
...probably thinking how his next life would be
...probably trying to fall asleep
...probably thinking about his affair with that little Miss President of Africa
...probably wondering how did this happen
...probably thinking how to be physically fit again
...probably thinking about that special moment to come
...probably thinking what to have for breakfast
...probably thinking on ways to break her heart
...probably humming a song
...probably thinking on ways not to break her heart
...probably thinking to go bald
...probably wondering if she is for real
...probably wondering if he is for real
...probably thinking of a super bike

He looks back in.
All he sees is me.

Chapter 5 lagi selepas My American Pie. Kenapa jadi begini?

2010-01-12T16:29:00.001+08:00

I found an old letter, meant for an old love. No, it doesn’t mean that you’re a new one. You’re pretty old too, but a new version, none the better only newer, that’s all. And if I have means to write you a letter, this could be it. Sorry it didn’t start with how much I have missed you or the regulars like how I miss your smell, or how I remember the feelings of sleeping next to you or with you, or your kiss, or your dumb jokes, or even your car. You know there are certain things left unsaid, nevertheless, you could see them in my face. You saw, the other day. They (the people who know us) have said everything they could, and to them I raise my glass saying cheers! I’m okay!

I am okay, you fool. My heart is still for you, part of it. You dance around your new stuff, calm your way to life (like always), you are so okay, and I’m a fool. I am not okay, you are not a fool. But I love you through my own way. I wish I had said this to you, “Stay.”

You should have asked me to stay
Even if the best I could be is gone
We promised to go
But we won’t die if we stay
Even if we die
It would be so much better than be gone
We should have stayed
To know that we’re dying anyway

Hey, I did love you. Don’t be surprised. I love you still, surprisingly.

PERFECT KNIFE

2009-12-23T16:01:00.000+08:00

We, not really you and me kind of us.
The kind that says me without you
Your kind, not my kind at all
That kind, you always refuse to admit
Why do I need you to go?
So that I could write, in better words
And find it meaningful to songs
The ones not about being in love
My temperament is shaking
So does my hands when I hold the cigarette
I stop going to the movies
Afraid I might not like what they’re showing
Not remembering things that I lost
Forgetting about chances that I gain
Taking vacation in all the wrong places
Drinking heart’s potion from false cups
Ended up in painful bed and getting aches
I believe in still pictures and be delighted
I prefer so
The rest of the memories, they stuck in my head.
Seeing your name in the credit titles
Still gives me a fast heart beat
Getting messages from an unknown number
Secretly hope it’s you who’s sending
Baby, the signals are all wrong
My heart is frail, my brain abused
If you play a love song
I might be thinking I’m in love with you
I could write all these with words to kill
Because that’s all I could think of lately
Finish off me and you
With a gun or knife or maybe in sleep
While you’re having that sweet dream you thought it was real.
If I’m still alive from it, darling
It could be because I deserve to live
Or perhaps you need your peace
Regardless of that, I have your body
Two to three hours of staring
You probably have lost your beauty
What do I do, what do I do,
I’ll go out and feed the birds your brain
This is unhappy
Then I will start to miss you.

Today i’m okay
Can’t you see?
It’s in my face
I’m smiling
I just had it
This morning
I woke up to see
The sun shining
Last, I saw crimson light
When was this?
How many hours has it been?
I remember that agony
Now I can only feel happy
Plastic
Chemical feelings
Scientific reaction
Strange summation
Of this and that
A switch I have

*sigh*
This isn’t working like I thought it will
I choose a knight not a prince
I should get some credits
My long, long depression takes up the whole page
No room for hello and goodbye to fake
Rains in every kind I hold so dear
I’m thankful for it, it gives me strength
Besides putting me to sleep, easier
It feels so much better
I overlook at my hands, telling them to stop dancing
Dancing with knife that I bought earlier
I could get cuts, accidentally
And smile and grin
Oh I shouldn’t be this silly
They might think I wanna kill me

“It’s all in the past”, he said to me
“Yeah yes yup uhuh oui!”
“Then why are we still talking it?” he said to me
“Because it’s still hurting me so fucking deep!”

I’m not jealous of everyone
I think above all of you
I’m way up high, here
Looking over grain of feelings
Getting no sort of education, but myself
My privacy, my closet is closed
And you open it, though I told you not to
Now take this shit and bring it home
Bring it to sleep and what not.

And then I write a song.
On a green paper.
It starts with
I
I thought of writing something pretty
Instead I wrote something pretty bad
My ideas, all I had.

What a shocker

2009-08-29T12:30:00.002+08:00

Committing suicide is just a thought, lately
I keep visualizing scenes from the future
They don’t seem right, most entirely
Surprises? nothing is healed, steady humor
I see them (the future) right before my eyes
I swear I did;
They asked me to stop, whatever it is that I’m doing
No surprise, I didn’t.
Who was that guy I once fell in love with?
What was his name again?
And the other one I thought I was?
What happened to him then?
Sometimes you never listen when I say
You help and help, being wonderful
Let me go to that place
Where heartbreaks don’t matter
You sick thinking I’m not
I admire your faith, it keeps me sane
I live to show you, and then show you how
I am at my best self and surviving shitholes
Okay, will be my last word
Hearing it you’ll nod
The toilet again, and again, and again
I have no more to give or else I’ll die
I probably just need some attention
You’re probably right
I will most probably cut my wrist
Just for you, probably
Can’t cook, can’t decide, can’t clean, can’t give
Can’t be the one you wanted me to be
Depressed and sexy. Sex and depression.
Depressively sexy. Sex in depression.
Normalcy, doesn’t come easy
You wanna compare pain, I’m not in
Too lame and foolish to even care about you
I’m sorry, please leave and keep the secret with you
Get. Me. Out. Or not, not just yet
Let me process my very own instinct
Same settings, same sounds, same substances
In the deepest I hear myself scream
“You…are bad for me!”
I always remember a feeling, just
Grey to black and crimson feeling with warm and sailing feel to it
Sometimes I am ready to come home
But they won’t let me go simply
Then she died with my name not mentioned
At times I cried from sleep to wake
I asked her to come back again
I would like to cry by her side instead
I dig you deeper to find your darkness
I assume you are lonely too
But all evidence to contrary, hence
That’s the door for you to leave
‘Lost souls only’, if not
You’re either a hero or get lost in between
Later.
Suicide or not, please be surprised.
I will feel so much better.

While You Were Sleeping

2009-06-26T17:17:00.001+08:00

Huh…oh so safe and soundly
Like a baby with full belly
Oh what? You just had some jellies?
I thought you hate them because they look silly
Guess you have changed in so many
Like that time you decided to leave

While you were sleeping

I have trouble in finding my undies
The clock on the wall screams 3
My heart says I ought to get some ice cream
Can’t bare the emptiness of the ceiling
Where we used to imagine, in which
You thought of open skies and spaceships
The heck with the panties
I’m leaving house without it

While you were sleeping

My head is filled with his talkings
I sip another wine, then keep looking
His car, his ex-girls, his holidays, and his babies
I almost drop my glass, he says “My dogs, sweetie”
Phew, but how I wish to drink
With you like back in late 90s
Can you believe this guy used to date Joanna Bessey?
“Lucky you, I dated douchebags”. Sorry darling

While you were sleeping

With her on your left, and facing
Those lights are dimmed, you hate the beams
I bet you let the tap dripping
The melodies of serenity and it’s sexy
I tried asking the guys if they like it
“I don’t know, maybe, now let’s f***, baby”

While you were sleeping

I stay in my office, writing
I had 6 rounds of caffeine
I’ll probably die at the age of 40
It’s about 16 years from now, shit!
By that time, you’ll have 3 to 4 kids
And more good years to live
F***! I forgot to save up the manuscript
I’m so fired on Monday morning

While you were sleeping

Do you dream of stray cats on the streets?
Or giving birth to an alien’s baby?
I stopped watching those crap Dvds
They keep giving me nightmares in my sleep
Weird, because all your favorite movies
Tend to destroy my dreams, like what you did to me
In reality

While you were sleeping, I wasn’t really.

Toothbrush From Previous Night Stay

2009-06-10T16:28:00.000+08:00

Bvlgari Pour Hommes.
Issey Miyaki Pour Hommes.
I don’t know his last name.
Ralph Lauren’s polo t-shirts. Black and blue.

“How come you never come home? Your place is got to be better that this hotel room right?”
“Yeah sure”
“Why are you here?”
“I’m alone if I’m home”

That dressing table.
John Conolly’s. And the other two thriller novels.
His bath water.
My white thong, on his denim. On the floor.

“What stuff are you on?”
“Why do you wanna know? Are you having second thought? Are you worried now?”
“Maybe”
“So you’re really clean? Never crack anything…at all?”
“Once. I did two lines of coke”

RM 1, 500 cash withdrawal receipt.
My red colored nails, his grazed chest.
Sacred gold Buddhist necklace.
My Victoria’s Secret lacey white, next to his watch.

“So you read a lot?”
“I’ve got another one, in the car. Where do you park?”
“In front”
“Next to my car?”
“Uhuh”

Super Sports. Star Movies. CNN. Click click click
Four disposable shavers and two toothbrushes.
Empty Parkson’s paper bags.
A questionable body lotion, at the right side of the bed.

“Is that a real tattoo?”
“Yes. I thought you’ve seen it from the last time?”
“Yeah I have. But I didn’t ask”

His age. His skin. His Hair. His slightly shaven face.
Wednesdays at The Loft. Fridays at The Mist.
His fame. His brother. His mixed up race. His BMW. His messages.

“So where are you staying?”
“You’ve asked me three times”
“Oh sorry”
“I know I’m just a bootie call. You gotta put at least a lil something in here”, as my long fingers run through his hair.

The bed. The room. The TV. The towels. The door. The floor. Those nights. This night.

“I need to see my brother in Bangsar for awhile”
“What…now?”
“Yeah, he’s waiting for me”
“Let’s do freaky stuff first”
“I can’t. You stay. I’m coming back at 12.30”
“No…you’ll be drinking and all”
“Yeah but I never get drunk. I’m coming back early. You go home and take your things, and come back here.”
“Ok”

At 12.04 a.m., my note.

K***,

I’m going home and you’d think I’m coming back? I’m a junkie, and I don’t keep promises. F*** you again later.

p/s: I’m leaving and I’m horny

Kisses,
Your bootie call xOxOxO

His scent. His lips. His hands. His legs. His ass. And his….

Kamu Gila Aku Tukar

2009-05-29T15:13:00.000+08:00

Gilakah kamu? Ingin menukar aku.
Apa yang kamu pasti aku tukar untuk kamu?
Jika aku tukar, ia bukan kerana kamu, tapi aku.
Hentikan semua ini aku mahu.
Aku akan tukar diri aku.
Pasti sekali bukan untuk kamu.
Kenapa kamu lalu dan muncul?.
Siapa kamu untuk aku?
Lalu begitu untuk menukar aku.
Aku fikir kamu gila.
Kamu mahu tukar mengapa?.
Aku bukan akan tukar untuk kamu yang gila itu.
Aku pasti kamu muncul, aku perasan kamu lalu.
Pastikah kamu akan aku, tukar diri aku itu.
Tukar untuk kamu yang lalu. Kamu muncul untuk tukar.
Aku yang gila tidak mahu. Untuk kamu tukar aku.
Jadi kamu akan tahu. Aku tukar untuk aku.

Apabila aku bogel, kau nampak…

2009-05-27T16:36:00.000+08:00

Ini bahasa. Satu cara aku. Jika tidak. Aku gemar berdarah. Atau bunuh diri. Atau buat mati. Tapi ini bukan bantuan. Bukan ekspresi. Dan bukan semuanya benar. Tajuk itu kamu cemas. Tenang sahaja. Kau dan kau itu, aku dahulunya suka. Kemudian itu cinta. Tapi silap jika fikir. Aku bukan cinta diri. Tapi personaliti yang selektif. Memang itu. Aku. Tahu bulan yang dijana matahari?. Malam jadi terang. Seperti lagu-lagu. Tapi lagu aku tidak sama. Jika dengar. Alam semesta seperti tiada sinkronistik. Inspirasi malang. Jangan dengar. Mahu tutur soal hati. Seperti ais krim perisa strawberi. Elergi aku. Pulang ke biasa. Bolehkah aku duduk?. Kerusi ini keras. Kamu tukarnya?. Aku sudah jelak lihat kucing. Pelangi juga sangat saintifik untuk aku. Lingkaran Pasifik aku percaya sudah mati. Burung aku lastik. Ini pessimisme? Optimisme untuk aku. Jadi tahu bagaimana. Melawan. Bangkit kemudian jatuh. Penat? Ini bukan pilihan. Kamu jatuh. Lagi. Lagi. Kamu tanya. Marah dengan dunia?. Tidak tapi kamu yang. Mengapa tanya. Ibarat mahukan pengesahan. Jika aku marah. Kamu juga sebenarnya. Ini linguistik. Bukan kajian. Dunia berborak. Hanya satu bahasa. Bahasa diri. Kamu faham tulisan? Baca lagi.

SHUT UP

2009-04-15T10:11:00.002+08:00

Or speak, not only speak but talk.

Talk to me about how the universe works
Tell me about the Big Bang and Black hole
Tell me where to turn
When skies fall down and the earth shaken

Or tell, not only tell but advice

Please advice on behalf of your strange paintings
Silhouettes and lines and colors and what
Advice me to stop staring
At paintings without any meanings

Or advice, not only that but care

I tell you to stop caring
Please don’t listen to my words
Care for me when I am lying
A sign that I am hurt

Do care, not only care but love

I steal your boyfriend and kiss him
I use these words to melt him
Please love me still in so deep
I had a rough night, took some pills

Love me, not only that but please shut up

Shut up, hush, quiet
Shut your lips when you are angry
Close your mouth when you enter
the room and see me bleeding

Suicide Note to Maisara

2009-04-15T10:11:00.001+08:00

I die….
In exactly three minutes from now. These words have been written about four hours ago. No, I wasn’t thinking about dying yesterday or even this morning. It just happened really recently, some time around 2:45 pm. When the ray penetrated through that dusty window of mine, I saw powdery air and I said to myself “Well the air is somehow polluted, think I want to die today”.

I am crazy….
Thought you should know how crazy I am, was. How crazy I was. Now that I am dead, I can’t seem to figure the structure of this letter. This confirmed my insanity, isn’t it? Is it too late for you to become a doctor? I need to be diagnosed. Go take the course, so you can discover some things about me. I’m not going to tell you what is wrong with me because I am clueless too. My brain, I’m scared of it. Would you take a look at it? You take the course now, and come back. Dig me out of the grave, and don’t look at my face, as it will look rotten, but instead remember me as who I was, and start your research. Because all you can tell right now, at this moment, is that I have a problem, we need more than that.

I am actually dying…
Since the very beginning. You would think I’ll tell you? No, of course I wanted to have some fun. But you could tell I wasn’t really scared of anything, right? I drank everything to the very last. I took more pills after another. What did you think I was up to? To double up the process. But I was always terrified when crossing the road, you knew this. That is because I didn’t want to die on the road, it kills the element of curiosity towards me and it wouldn’t be fun. I wanted to puzzle you.

I die…
Without telling you. Have I ever told you anything about you hurting my feelings? Why do you think I should tell you that I decided to take my own life? Remember when I told you about destruction over my routine? He was my routine for six months and when he went away from me, I got lost. What do you think will happen to me when you are not around, during the time I want you to? You are the second person to walk away and spoil the routine, our routine, that doesn’t make you a good person to me, does it? The ray is now (presently as I am writing this) moving downwards into a more stiff angle, signing that time is getting so close. I want to die at 7:05 pm today.

I die and….
Like you always told me, ‘You’re one of a kind’, you have never known how dangerous and destructive that sentence is. Because I am, one of a kind. But do you know what kind? How should I begin this with? Okay, you know how you could never know a person entirely? I think this is a good start. And a good ending too.

P/S: If you find my dead body tomorrow or the day after, bear with the time setting of this letter. I think you’re smart enough, just not enough to tell what’s wrong with me the entire time.

Thank You Mr. Universe

2009-03-25T20:00:00.003+08:00

2007 – At the pool, Mahligai Town House.

There was a plane in the air. I said to Nabila, “Damn, we could have been in there going to Singapore to catch Coldplay!”. Tapi tak boleh, masa tu tengah final exams.

2009 - Trip Diary: The Universe Worked With Us

Wey best giler siot korang!!! Okay citer ni start macam ni…

Firstly, nabila and I made promise to each other some time ago, hmm…about 2 years back, that we would catch Coldplay live in Singapore or Bangkok or Jakarta, which ever comes first (and possible to go) because obviously they won’t come here. So we planned a dreamy road trip for the two of us – lay back-rock-trip style. After so long (we almost forgot about the trip), I heard rumors around saying Coldplay will be performing in Sunburst on March, then I thought shit! Fuckin’ amazing, diorang actually wanna come down here to KL…little did I know that rumors turned out to be…well…rumors. Kecewa, I googled Coldplay current tour, and I found out they were coming to Singapore for their Viva La Vida Tour! Man, I was thrilled! I called pally (nabila) right away!

Tapi the problem was, Nabila and I were in the phase where money is so very limited only for survival, we were really short in cash. I just started working (after quitting), same goes with pally too. Being me (oh-so-typically), I didn’t care much. I called out to book the cheapest tickets but they were sold out (after 48 hours of selling), and it was scary. Then, the second cheapest sold out too. I was furious, and decided to book online using a credit card. In this case, Nunu is Polly who came along (with a credit card hehe!). Surprisingly, she didn’t make it hard for me, considering her annoyance on my craziness and addiction to rock concerts (and my worn out spiderman t-shirt), she let me use her card and even helped me out in tickets reservation. Thanks babe! Love you to the max! Oh, did I mention that the two tickets worth RM1 000? Hehehe! Please don’t hate me.

Now that we have got the second most expensive tickets, we just could help but bragging to people around us…well…actually it was only me. Nabila remained calm most of the time (probably thinking about money or just being nice to kawan-kawan yang lain). Then I figured, I needed to save up some cash for the journey, so I didn’t pay my Celcom bills, and so I got barred. Perfect science. Nabila and I planned to self-drive there – drive pergi-concert-drive balik. Simplicity and budgeting is sooooo very us. So I googled maps of J.B, Singapore, Indoor Stadium’s parking spot (semangat la katakan). So, about 2 days before the concert, everything was prepared and kami ready to go! Tapi not quite, we only realized, by that time, none of us owned a valid driving license. Nabila punyer dah expired for 2 years (yes, 2 fucking years). Mine, been 6 months. So kami tanya our ‘Guru’, Nadd, do we have to renew? She said no (or maybe she has evil plan for us) hehe! But Mai (my summer roberts) pulak kata we must! Damn, there goes RM30 for renewal.

On the day itself, 23^rd March 2009, at 11.30 am, we hit the road. According to sources, journey only takes up to 5 hours, so kami fikir sampai sana around 5pm, good timing. So we got our big sunny shades on, nabila educated herself with Coldplay’s latest songs, and probably once in a while curi-curi tido (like I didn’t know, pally!). Ktorg sampai Johor state, and I was bragging about me being a Johorian and Johor as the second largest state in Malaysia (betul ke? I was just saying it). Nabila was like “yeah wutever”. We stopped at a gas station somewhere in J.B to ask for direction. Nabila got head-over-heel for a gigantic jar of bubble gum and insisted to buy it. I said, “you crazy? Itu tol kita nak balik KL nanti”. I was falling for a packet of gum balls. Tapi nasib baik tak beli sebab mana boleh chew gums kat sana, gila.

So we’ve reached the first checkpoint in the border, then the second one (tukar driver, nabila punya turn to drive), and finally the third one. Nabila kene sound ngn officer tu sebab malas nak turun kereta during the examination hehe!. Then, it was time to check the map (that I was so proudly printed out). We started off with Woodland, then there was a junction, nabila said,

“Ok dude, where should I go? Terus, kanan or kiri?”

I said, “Huh? Erm…I don’t know dude”

“Check la kat map tu!”

“Erm…it doesn’t say anything about turning where. Er…It’s not a road map dude?”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s a map la. The kind that tells locations like Clementi, Jurong, Changi and the Indoor Stadium”, I grinned. Ehehehe! How the hell am I supposed to know what kind of map I should get? So we pretty much lost for the first 2 hours in Singapore.

We reached Changi, which was so far away from the Stadium (according to the map lah). The location was marked ‘star’ on the map. We passed by the long Marina stretch till Changi, ktorg wonder why la Marina ni panjang sangat. Nabila kata, “Dude, kau check balik ‘star’ tu, apa nama tempat near by, kita dah nak sampai airport ni dude”. Then I looked at the map. There was a word underneath ‘star’ mark tu, written *arina. Then I said, “Erm…dude, is there any chances that *arina means Marina??”. Turned out it was Marina and kitorg dah terlepas sampai ke Changi. We had to turn back, all the way. Hehe!

We reached the Stadium at 6.30pm. Nabila makan meatballs and beef that I packed for her (pally, you wondered what is it about concerts and pasta, well kau tak wonder ke what is it about us and lost of directions hehe!). I put on eyeliner and some blusher. We changed our clothes in the car (like rockstars do). We both wore short pants and something black, and flip flops. Nabila carried a yellow and black backpack with a weird purple logo on, where we put our passports in and car keys too. So we walked around, finding the counter for tickets collection.

Ktorg masuk dalam stadium awal. The capacity of Singapore Indoor Stadium is 10 000 (I googled), but that night about 12 000 people crowding in. Then I knew it was going to be super fantastic, and nabila and I were the lucky ones to be there and plus we got the best tickets and view. Disebabkan oleh online booking, nabila and I dapat tickets yang separate seating. We were at the same partition, but different rows. So tak best la kan. Camaner nak enjoy if my pally isn’t next to me?, so we both decided to stand at the back while everyone else sitting on their seats. Plus, come on, we thought, it’s a concert for god’s sake! Why do these people sitting down? Is this how they do it in Singapore? They obviously never been to rock concerts in Malaysia…I’m telling you, we rock so much better that the Singaporeans (like the other day I went to Muse Live in KL, woah! Best siot!). Anyways, we stood there, tak sabar for Coldplay to start, then suddenly…haa ni the best part where divine intervention took place. A MatSalleh lady with a tag on (she was one of the person in charge), came to us and asked where our seats at. Nabila and I dah cuak takut kene marah sebab kitorg berdiri.

She asked, “Are you girls big fans?”

We said, “Yeah big big fans! We came all the way from KL”

She said, “Good, what if I give you front row seats, the second one from in front, at the rock zone? Promise you’ll stand and shout and scream and rock out in front there!”.

And all I could say was Yes, Yes, Yes (sambil melompat-lompat). Nabila smiled all the way. Still jumping, I said, “Oh my god, pally!!! We’re in the premier zone! Ni depan nak mampus siot!”. And yes, indeed we were. Nabila kata, “That MatSalleh lady definitely a godsend, dude! She’s like an angel”. Hehehe, I started to believe in luck.

And it was perfect, i’m telling you now that it couldn’t get better than that. They started off with Life In Technicolor then Violet Hill. Chris was amazing and they sang all the songs in the Viva La Vida album. I started to go nuts when Chris played the initial notes of Yellow and I screamed O-my-gawd! Jumping all over the place shouting, “Pally! It’s Yellow! It’s Yellow”. Diorg main In My Place, Clocks, The Hardest Part, etc. Nabila most of the time, kept it cool and snapping pictures and recording the band until this big fella told us to stop. Then, Chris and the guys went to the side of the stage (right side) to perform few songs. I moved to the side to get closer, at first nabila tak join, dia jaga seat and bag pack, after awhile, she joined me. Tapi she left the bag on the seat. I said, “Alah it’ll be fine. Your handphone with you?”, she replied, “yeah”.

Nak jadikan kes drama, when we got back to our seats, the bag gone missing. It wasn’t there. During this time, Viva La Vida is on. So we caught up between Coldplay and the bag pack (Need i mention that our passports and car keys are in that bag?). Kitorg dah start cuak to the max. I, then shouted, “Shit! Shit! Shit! We’re doomed man”. Nabila plak, “Shit our passports! We’re in total shit!”. Dalam my ever so dramatic head, i dah picture us sitting in an immigration room, waiting for our friends to claim us and so on. Then nabila pi tanya this one Mat salleh boy who was standing next to us all the time, the boy pointed at the back of the seat, and that weird looking yellow and black bag pack was found. And we were legal again. Phewh!

So we jumped, head-banged, screamed and did things people do in any rock concerts. We had the best. The guys ended the show with The Scientist, which is my all time favourite and then completed the perfection. It was unbelievable. I can’t go on describing them because it will drive you nuts! But i know what drives you to jealousy; Guess what, i got Will Champion’s drum stick! The stick he used during the concert, he threw it, and i caught it! Woohoo! Totally awesome!

Lepas kitorg lupa diri kejap (for about 2 hours), we didn’t realize that we had absolutely no idea how to get back to Woodland (the place on the map that’s closest to the border). So again we lost sense of direction and wasting our gas in Kota Singa for about 2 hours. Girls...we just can’t read maps! Hehe! And yeah i lupa, we got a parking fine. It so happened that we parked at the wrong place or we skipped a ticket machine, we didn’t exactly sure why but ktorg kene saman. Again, nabila and i cuak.

We found a way out of Singapore, at last. We were still so very puzzled (until now) on the fact that we managed to escape from paying the fine. Again, divine intervened us, in a very good way. We were so very lucky. Then, kitorg reached to the highest level of exhaustion. We decided to go on with the journey back home, and challenged ourselves. So we drove the highway, stopped for a few hours at rest stations then continued driving. I was so determined to come home, because i missed my bed so much.

I was left with a few ringgits and few Singaporean dollars when we reached Sg. Besi Toll. Then i shouted, “Shit!”. Nabila, who was asleep (damn you pally), got up. “Wey aku tak dpt cari ATM tadi. Duit is insufficient to pay the toll dude!” i said. She was still trying to open her eyes. Masa tu tengah hujan lebat giler. So we stopped at the station before the toll where people top up touch n Go, i planned to asked if we can pay using Maybank card, nabila looked at me in disbelief, “Dude, i don’t think we can do that”. I said, “then how??”.

Lagi dramatic than ever, we got out of the car, in heavy rain, pergi dekat belakang alley sana, across the other road where there was Shell. I keluarkan duit kat situ. We were wet like crazy. Everyone looked at our pathetic condition. Nabila and i couldn’t stop laughing all the way in the rain, because somehow we expected this. Then we got back in, and continued our journey home. That was about 9 in the morning.

Nabila said, “Chez, i won’t be doing this for at least in another 2 years. I’m done for now”

I said, “Give me 6 months, then i’ll jump into something like this again”

You wanna ask me was it worth it? Hell Yeah! So who’s next? The Killers? Jom!

p/s: Pally, when are u gonna upload the videos and pictures?

How About Them Numbers

2009-02-21T11:02:00.000+08:00

5 lost souls, losing it all
2 with broken hearts
3 with other stuff
1 of them decided to jump

Then another 10 come
Knock the door in front
“Open, man…we’ve got more joints”
And 3 of them aren’t boys

Drugs, they say, is in town
Only about 4 of them know how
They know the streets to find
A little something for the minds

3 girls used to have it all
Only 1 almost survived
The other 1 can’t figure it out
The pain, the agony, and what’s it all about

About 2 or 3 are orphans
1 of them is still new
Sometimes they look at skies above
But now they’re down to smoke a few

1 of all is a hardcore
Making fun of the 2 orthodoxies
“Welcome to real heaven, jocks!”
He smokes some more and then he sniffs

1 of them just lost a job
The other 1 is moving out
About 3 or 4 planting some hopes
For these 2 to keep holding on

4 of them make weird sounds
3 of them hold the guitars
These 7 seem to know their ways to ease hearts
With songs others never heard before

14 lost souls, and hearts, and minds
They sit in rounds and break in parts
And 1 of them decided to write
About 14 lost souls, and minds, and hearts

ADULT CONVERSATIONS:Three: Nobel Prize, STDs & A Set of Planning

2009-02-19T11:21:00.000+08:00

"Can you take an adult conversation like a man?"

I : So…do make sure you are protected when doing it. Ah screw you, the girl should be protected from you, haha!
Syafiq : STDs are curable.
I : Well…not HIV, it does not.
Syafiq : Oh ya! The world’s scariest plague. Where does it come from?
I : Well according to..i forgot who, but anyway, it started in Africa somewhere during the time native tribe lives in the wild and they share water with animals. One day, a dead animal falls into the waterhole and it’s been there for a long time, became contaminated. One unlucky dude drank the water and carried the virus in him. He came home and made love with some other girls and then it got transmitted. He’s now a long-dead son of a bitch, caused deadly disease to people. The virus attacks blood. There’s nothing you can do about it. Unless if you remove all of your blood and replace them with new one. Like that’s possible…
Syafiq : Shit, I’m going to win a Nobel Prize! I can freeze the body like in the movies you know. But I need a lot of research. It’s like bringing the dead to life.
I : Huh? Yeah okay sure. You go ahead and cure AIDS. Then win the Nobel, become a spokeperson in WHO, and take over Africa. The next thing you know, they’ll elect you to lead UN. And you bring peace to the world. That’s the plan…

ADULT CONVERSATIONS:TWO: Good to quit

2009-02-19T11:16:00.000+08:00

"Can you take an adult conversation like a man?"

Syafiq : You know…it’s been a while, if you notice. Which I don’t think you do.
I : What are you talking about?
Syafiq : You. I started to think that you’re mad at me or something
I : Is it because I haven’t spoken to you for some time?
Syafiq : Yeah. I must have said something really terrible to you. Then I thought no way! I always do, why is this one be any different? We used to joke about the terrible things about ourselves. Then I figured it must be because you’re busy flying. And that you’re even too tired to laugh.
I : Hmm…could be. I’m thinking of quitting.
Syafiq : Good
I : Really? But I could make $5 000 you know…
Syafiq : I don’t care. Even though you promised to buy me a drum set.
I : Really huh…
Syafiq : At least I can have my sister back.

ADULT CONVERSATIONS:One: Classic Doctor Thing

2009-02-19T10:59:00.000+08:00

"Can you take an adult conversation like a man?"

Syafiq : Hey, do you think it’s too late for me to be a doctor?

I : Ahahaha! I know this one. Our classic joke aite?

Syafiq : I’m serious

I : Owh…sorry. I had no idea that it’s a serious thing. Now isn’t a good time to be serious. Hehe

Syafiq : Ahh never mind…

I : Oh come on, dude! Okay, all right. Now…what makes you wanna be a doc? I thought you like designing.

Syafiq : I wanna cut open a chest and say “Hey, your heart is as broken as my sister’s!” Ahahaha!

I : Shut up! It is not! Plus, it doesn’t make any sense.

Syafiq : I know it does.

I : It’s two different things; to have a heart problem and having a broken heart, okay.

Syafiq : How can you tell? Have you ever looked at yours lately? How do you know that it doesn’t bruise, change color or bleeding, or dented, right at this second? Somehow it must have some sort of medical and physical impact ,I believe.

I : Well in that case…I wonder how mine looks like…

Syafiq : Think it’ll need a transplant.

Part FIVE: The One Whose Heart Has Been Ripped Off And Cured But Still Hurt

2009-02-18T14:09:00.000+08:00

So now what, Lar?
Just let me be.
Are you sure?
Ven…
Ah huh
Can I laugh?
Okay, go ahead

Part FOUR: Pianoman

2009-02-18T14:00:00.002+08:00

Haunting in every second.
Khal plays his Baldwin in melodies that he can’t even define, then loses himself to the emotions. It is an old inheritance, from his great grandfather, a dark wood type. How appropriate, he thinks, “Suits my dark heart”, he speaks within. The keys are disorderly serenaded, but surprisingly fit to the mood in the room, just right. He presses his fingers firmly, without thinking of the next note after another.

I have been standing by the door for quite some time, looking at him. “I heard it” I break his song. Or was it one? Such distressing sounds, I cannot feel comfortable. What song is this? I have never heard it.

He turns his face and smile, but not that kind of smile that you have in your head, the one kind that only he can do. It comes with chills in the nightfall of extra-ordinary night that, if unnoticed and untreated, could spread a plague-like into passer-bys, in this case, me.

“Play me a song, sweetheart” I say.
“What song?” he says
“I don’t know…a love song, Khal. You never played me one” I say. In the silence of this room, I hear him say, ‘I have, Lara. Every night, when you’re asleep’. But I let that go, pretending.
“All right” he says. He begins a song that is much familiar, an imitation of The Blower’s Daughter – a song, not about love

“That’s not a love song” I say
“Yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry” he says, the room suddenly fills with calmness and romantic desires, making me wanting to sit next to him. He brings The Look Of Love alive, like a pianist wizard casting spells. But not for long, he stops.
“I can’t” he says. He gets up, leaving the piano. He takes a glass and fills two ice cubes. He pours the bourbon without offering.

“What’s going on, Khal?” I say
“You don’t have that look” he says
“What look?” I say
“Look of love” he says.

“How does love look like, Khal?”
“An exclusive image of me. I’m in love, Lara”
“So am I” I say
“Damn it, Lar! When are you gonna stop lying?”
“I can’t breathe in this room. How can anyone ever breathe in here!” I say. Trying to exclude myself from his interrogation. Stop it Khal, please stop this.

“Write me something!” he yells. His eyes filled with anger and I can’t bear. “Write it! Like I played you a song!”
“Khal, you have got to chill, baby. Stop testing me…” I say, a non-classic defending, more like surrendering.
“Just do as I fucking say!” he yells
“Fine! Goddamn it! You sick bastard! Gimme a paper!” I scream, losing, weaken my shields, falling apart right in front of him. Tears getting the best of me.

“You’re a writer, Lara” he says. And gone. The room seems so empty, not in a cliché kind of way, but his kind. I have a pen and a paper, and a thousand of words. Instead,

‘Dear Khal,
How I wish, you and I, are children. So we can grow up from all of these, and meet again, in the next twenty years, for atonement.’

I drop it on his piano and be gone.
From across the suburban, I can hear him says. Ahh Lara, but we are not. Next life is all we got, for atonement.

Part THREE: The Other Daughter of Thor

2009-01-27T21:06:00.000+08:00

“Be still my heart; thou hast known worse than this” –Homer

Evening sunset, with golden chariot as big as the sun; Zchusius, future King of Arcadia, rides with a giant bouquet of silver and gold Gardenia blossoms. Coming down to the earth. Stood under a great old magic oak, Larmia; heartbroken and weeping,

(Zchusius)
From ageless world, I come down
To see thee, my Larmia, daughter of Thor
For I can see flames of fire’s Hell,
I can see men’s crying blood and guts
But I can take no such tears well

(Larmia)
That I can see The Evil kills
For I take them a circle of life
In that blaze, myself too I bury
Because I shall not give to love nor care
And my wand resting fight

(Zchusius)
Wind and earth change over time
For thee I wish would not
I am sorry our love has expired
Gardenia flowers are not thy favorite
They are for my new bride

Farewell my Larmia, forever always
Daughter of Thunder that thee
Raise thy baton wand, shall end all wars
For thee heart, people and humanity
**********

In a temple of temperance, Gods and Goddesses gather to confer. There’s fire flaming like meteors coming from Hephaestus’ between fingers. Osiris, God of Water, dropping crystal waters of heaven to ease the suspense. Asclepius, the Healing God, gives all a box of potion for health and soul, even to Hades, God of the Underworld; the ruler of the dead. “May you be well, Hades, as I only wish for balance ” says Asclepius. The King of the Gods, Zeus takes his seat, the rest stop playing,

(Zeus)
Balance, I heard? And justice needs
The earth and everything beneath it
My fellow friend, Hades, why do you request?
Such a lunatic desire that thee have
Demand more souls to live
Underneath the earth, inside a grave
More gone humans, you need

(Hades)
For I to wish for else, would not
I longed to see spirits lost
My King, you are the fairness of all
Humans are kind to lose control
The Hephaestus’ fire just it takes
Or Osiris’ angry waves, those skins shall break
For this I shall call for war
Between humans and nature source

(Zeus)
Ahhh Hades, such thee I could not stop
Only the emerald wand of War
Larmia, my dear, what is silence for?
Daughter of Thor, that you are
Do you agree for human’s war

(Larmia)
King Zeus, the father of all gods
My wand, my soul, my heart, I’ve won
For I shall give this way to Hades
My fight is over, it’s been centuries
Humans’ love I do not faith
This emerald heart of mind I stray

(Zeus)
False clarity in thee heart, I see
It is broken like pieces that should not be
Larmia, thy father has warned thee
How much time for thee heart to heal?

(Hades)
Listen thou art, Zeus!
The lady spoke from within
Witnesses are the seven seas
And the eight sense of thee gods
Die you humans of the face earth!
Here comes war for your settle!

The conference ends in whispers and confusions, as Larmia sits in silence. Hades smiles grinnishly, have not be able to control the wait. Hephaestus and Osiris are captured by him. Zeus, looking at Larmia, shaking head with disappointment.

(Zeus)
My poor Larmia, look and feel thou art,
What thee has done and has not
I shall not wait till the seven seas rise
For Hades full of evil and anger in his eyes
**********

Venus, the love heir, Goddess of Love, rushing to find Larmia who hides so far far away, away from Macedonia, Roman land, Scandinavia and everywhere else. Having the queen’s instinct and sense of a broken love, Venus finds her, lying on olive-colored grass wearing flamboyance beige silk, a gift from the guardian King of East Mountains.

(Larmia)
Sister of our souls, hast thou be, maiden Venus
How I wish as pure as the beneath land stream my soul is
For you the Goddess of love, who isn’t in love
Bring me answers why taken mine from destiny

(Venus)
Calling Zeus, brings me here, confront you Larmia dear
Agony of heart and humans tears
Shall not be for granted, thou art Thor’s inheritor

Unspoken words Larmia has in mind. Regrets, discontentment, tormenting and resentment. She dares not speak of them in front of Venus, for she has been the closest to her all along. She is keeping the silence for quite a while, thinking, staring at the sapphire skies; I shall not be in a victim of devotion love… Knowing a flowing idea, Venus lies at the side to reach out to the thoughts of Larmia,

(Larmia)
*sigh*…golden dreams these are no
Nor it is become like silver pure grains
But for triumph of humanity and sake
I shall never fall in love again

(Venus)
Forgive me sweet ally, for thee must forget my ever trade
To grant upon such uncanny wish
How can I ever make
*********

Larmia takes Venus’ hands and disappear into the land of Jotunheimr, the terrain of old cursed out of gluttony and vicious hearted Thrymr. A knight of revolution, Thrymr’s own, Khalypsus roared for transformation, killed his own blood. The present King of Jotunheimr, Khalypsus be. At the moment, he is riding on his greek horse named Pegasus, hunting for forest deer. Larmia points at him to Venus,

(Larmia)
Look thou art, Venus to witness
He once confessed his divine heart to me
But not him who I wanted ever
Drowning into rebellion river he is

With such bravery and cold the father he slayed
Out of anger and mind slaved
He once swore never to be good again
If nothing comes true to his way

Take me to his, make me fenced
For I never to love any man ever again
Become his bride of despair I will be
So I won’t open heart to anything

(Venus)
*Cry*…oh Larmia, thy heart is closed
And to settle with Khalypsus such throne
Is there any else way to ease thy gloom
But betray his heart and fool thee self you choose

Venus holds Larmia’s body and flies up. She nods and tears falling to the ground. “If this what thee desires, Larmia…then may thy heart rests with it”, whispers Venus to clouds.

Part TWO: This Is Lara

2009-01-24T09:55:00.000+08:00

Arrggh damn…I really have to find another curtain. I’m so not ready to wake up now. Stupid sunlight. Stupid singing love-birds. Stupid morning gust on my window. Stupid beautiful day.
Lara lies on her side, looking over the window, eyes blinking. If only there is someone next to her, she would say Mornin’. Do you need coffee?. Instead, she blinks, losing her thoughts beyond the rays. The cellphone rings. It’s probably Venice, trying to make a wake up call. Just can’t wait for Lara to put on a misery coat, for the day. “Are you awake? It’s 9.30. You need to be at the gallery in 45. You can’t afford to be late again today”, Venice says. Did I dream it, Ven?. Late answer from the other side of the phone. Lara hears a mild sigh explosion. Venice says, “Do we have to go through this again, honey?. Yeah, seems like it. Everytime I open my eyes or when this rings. Your early words of the day, Ven…answer me……did i…dream everything?. Venice says with trembles,“Just…try to be there on time, Lara. Don’t be square”.

Oh Lara, Venice thinks. Sipping her warm milk, like it’s a coffee.

Venice dials the phone. Her right hand plays with an apple, rolling it back and fourth on the kitchen table.
“Hello, sweetie. Are you awake?”
“Oh good”
“Yes, I just did”
“She’s uh…she sounds fine except when she starts to crash again. I couldn’t go down with her, you know. I’m her bestfriend but someone needs to be strong and pull her out here…(sigh).But I’m not sure if I am that person, Hec…”
“I know, I know. Thanks, love”
“Okay, okay. I know. I won’t be too hard on myself”
“Uhuh, I love you too, I’ll see you”

No. Again, this is reality. Yesterday wasn’t a dream. Lara, still on the bed, looking at the ceilling. She turns to the side, to find that her Teddy sits still at the side of the bed. What?...stop staring at me. Stop!. Lara drags her body to get up and then she grabs her Teddy by the left ear. That’s it, you little piece of pretentious heart-warmer freak! I’m gonna teach you some pain today!. Lara, holding on a hanging Teddy in her right hand, makes her way out of the room, walks through the kitchen, to the backyard, and stop in front of a tree. She dumps Teddy on the ground and run back inside, looking for a hammer and a nail. She rushes back to the tree, grab Teddy and press him against the tree. Lara presses a nail on Teddy’s ear and start banging the nail with the hammer. Then there it is: a hanging Teddy on a tree.

***********

Who knows what she’s doing; sitting on the park bench, all by herself. Looking over the lake, where winds are welcomed.

Venice walks slowly towards the bench. She looks at Lara and her sick-day sweater and pants. And her sick-hair-day is on too. Venice thinks to herself, oh my…why Lara…why.

“This place feels like the oldies’ gateway to dreamland, like in some grandma’s dream”, Venice says, trying to change the awkward mood. And for a moment, Lara keeps it awkward, then she gives a fake smile and looks away again, staring into the water.

“Ah good! You’re writing again!. I’m started to worry about you not writing anymore”, again, Venice makes a second attempt.
“Ven, I won’t stop writing. Don’t worry”, Lara’s voice is flat and full with emptiness. Venice knows, but she’s denying it.
“That’s good to hear, Lar. Hey, guess what, I know someone who is a publisher. Think he might be interested with your stuff. You wanna give it a try, babe?”, Venice smiles.
“No”, Lara replies.
“Huh? No? Am I hearing this right? You said you were looking for a publisher”, Venice pulls out a higher tone of voice. Maybe she can’t stand it or maybe she can.
“Stop trying to find me anything. I’m not looking to publish anything right now, all right!”, Lara says it straight, bitter and short. Venice is almost filled with anger. She holds herself, trying to calm, then looks at a piece of paper on Lara’s hand. She grabs it, like it’s her own business. She reads it out loud. It’s written,

Fallen leaf, from its tree
When spring is over, you’ll be
The circle of love, for you and me
That is what you and I believe

Fallen leaf, I can’t wait
For another season to pass by
So I choose to just be
Hanging leaf, at its tree

“What is this, Lar…?” Venice starts to get serious.
“Give me that!”, Lara snatches. “It’s not finished yet! How many times I have to tell you about my work-in-progress?”, Lara tries to hide her real emotions behind this bitterness. No doubt about it. Lara knows it, Venice knows it.
“Oh Lara…what’s happening to you…”, Venice says with a long sigh.

**********

Another day, at the same lake. These two best friends get together. This time Venice really wants to talk about it. Whatever ‘it’ is. She plans to make her best friend let it all out, she is prepared for tears, pain, anger, she’s prepared for Lara.

“The thing is…I’m not even mad at him anymore. But I’m still fucking pissed!”, Lara
“What is it then?”, Venice
“I don’t know, but I guess it’s the whole ‘love’ thing you know. The whole bunch of it!. I’m really hurt, really really do. Not just by him. The one before him. And the one before that. It’s the like a whole of a package!”, Lara
“..’Package of Love’…”, Venice. Lara looks at Venice who is now developing a blush on her cheeks.
“What?”, Lara starts to laugh, looking at Venice
“Haha! I know. It sounds really different from what I really meant”, Venice says, sheepishly.
“It sounds like a wrapped hard-on penis, Ven!”, Lara jokes and they both laugh off. It’s been a while since Lara has that kind of laughters; ever since him.
“Just…don’t be mad for too long, Lar. Even if you do, just…don’t do anything stupid. Like you used to. With the drinking and the drugs. Okay?” says Venice.

**********

Some nights, things are broken. No matter how hard she tries, she breaks them.
“Let go of me, you sick dumb-fuck!” Lara shouts at a guy who tries to help her out.
“Maybe you shouldn’t walk around like this in this condition. Girl, you had too many” says the guy.
“What do you know!” shouts her again and Lara begins to cry.
“Damn girl, you’re whacked” says him.

**********

Some nights, more things are broken.
“Hey, go check on her, man!”, a stoned guys tells his stoned friend.

Lara sits by the balcony, mildly hallucinating
“Oh no, lady! Not here. You better get inside” says the guy
“Leave me alone! I’m not gonna jump okay. I’m not as high as you are”, she says with much annoyance.
“Just get in, bitch!” shouts the guy. He’s losing his patience (even when he’s stoned).
“No! No! Let me go!” Lara pulls herself back and falls from the chair.

**********

Some nights, things are broken. And Venice would come.
“Baby, wait here. I’m going inside alone”, Venice tells her fiancée and kisses him on his cheek.

“Where is she?” Venice asks the guy
“You’re the girlfriend huh? Nice…”, the guy says
“Shut up”, Venice
“Hey don’t be mad, darling. You girlfriend is a bit outta control y’know. You need to learn how to control your partner”, guy
“Who the hell are you anyway?”, Venice
“No one. No one. Just a guy”, guy
“Exactly. Now take me to her”, Venice

Lara lies on the couch in the VIP room. She isn’t moving. She’s totally out this time.
“Jeez…Lara…”, Venice.

**********

The rest of the nights are left unsaid. So, this is Lara.

Part ONE: Squirrel

2009-01-15T18:26:00.000+08:00

I’m standing way beyond these breezes,
Hiding my bruises, in my heart. They’re still fresh, in case you would like to know.
On top of the hill, I say, “Nice place. How’d you know?”
“I’m surprised you know it too”, he says. “You kiddin’? I always know this kind of place” I say. “Oh yeah, you’re that type who looks up at stars and breathe the mountain’s air, dance in the rain and carve your wishes at trees,…like squirrel or…a mongoose. Something like that huh” he says. Funny cynical guy. Then I say, “Let’s get down to business. Why’d you bring me here?”

The wind blows even more, makes it harder to open a big eye. And this hair that I…cut myself…unevenly blows together to suffocate my sight. I give silence a little more chance, thinking I could dance around with it, buying more time, losing more focus, pushing away more sorrows. But it’s not fair for him, the messenger. He’s waiting for me to speak on reply. What can I say?

“I’m sorry. This coming out on an emotion roll. I shouldn’t…”, I say
“Hey, you always have the right to. I would never take it away from you. Only joke about it once in a while which I wasn’t even amused by it…telling you this…isn’t an entertainment. Please, say something” he says.
“You’re acting like it’s your fault. Chill”, I say. My left eye drops a tear. Then the right one too.

I know my friend, that it’s not easy for you to tell me this.
I know, you make your way through the windy road up to this hill.
I know that it is not fair for you when I started to sob
I could feel you my friend, that you could feel me too.
I’m sorry my friend, that sending me pain cause you one.
I’m sorry my friend, for the inevitable silence, what else can I say?

“You don’t even have to go”, he says
“You think I can’t handle it?”, I say
“Big girl, I know you can. I just would like to spare you some pain. You’re too much of it. Give yourself a break from dramas”. he says
“Then why didn’t you spare me some pain by not coming here telling me that he’s getting married? It’ll be a big deal of saving you know, you can buy a fucking gold toilet bowl with the pain and….and.. wipe your ass with silk.” I say with a mild anger.
“It’s a heads up. The kind of warning that you probably need, to put an end to this, once and for all. But it’s the delivery, right here. That’s what crashing…i’m just…this is hard…just…don’t go.”, he says
“You did fine. Take away that sappy face, dude. Or I’ll be calling you sissy from now on”, I say.
“Do you need more time here? With me? Or without me?”, he says, trying to ease the moment.
“I’m turning my face around now. I wish you’ll be gone. You can’t see me like this, dude. You can’t handle what’s about to come.”, I say.

“Fuck it! Why me! Damn, that’s painful. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”, he says to himself while getting in his car. I hear him. I shout as he working on the ignition, “Tell your brother, congratulations”.

I look at the envelope, my name written on it. One wedding, that I won’t go.

Them

2009-01-12T17:49:00.000+08:00

I didn’t hear them speak of fear
I didn’t feel blood lingering on my body.
What is there is…the Zionists. A different set of brains?
A different set of body? A whole other set of hearts?
Are they immortal? Do they have brains made out of electronics?
Do they have steel hearts? Massacre is their cup of tea. Blood is their bath water. Tears are their game.

Hello, angels. Angels of faith and hope. Are you asleep? Are you on vacation? Or does your heart break looking over their pain and never ending miseries, and you need some time alone crying behind the clouds? You can’t take it too? Hold your tears, wipe them off at this instant.

Where is genie with 3 wishes? I can assure you Mr. Genie, if you make plans on visiting, bring a soft napkin and a steady face. As for all the 3 wishes that they’ll ask you, will make you lose over your tricks and insanity. No Mr. Genie, they won’t wish for a fancy car. They won’t wish for a paradise island. They won’t wish for another 3 wishes. They will wish for peace. They will wish for mercy. They will wish for their long gone loved ones back to their arms and live again. How can you joke on this Mr. Genie? You can’t. Wipe that tears off your face Mr. Genie, with your soft napkin. Then, make their wishes come true.

I don’t understand but I won’t trade peace for an answer. When it’s over, send me a notice. I would wake up to find one less war. Couple more to go. While I’m sitting here having a sip of my coffee (an alternative), looking over at Starbucks Coffee just across the road...

Chapter V: the sequel: THE PLAN

2008-12-31T13:39:00.000+08:00

That night, I had a dream;

The carnival isn’t closing any time soon. I don’t understand why we have to leave. There are six of us. And he (the guy who broke my heart) is there too. So everyone gets into cars. I don’t know where my car is. Perhaps I don’t have it with me. So I get into the car that he drives. It’s a different car from the one he owns. I should know, because I know his car, very well. I sit at the back, it’s a safer choice. I wouldn’t want to have awkward moment if I take the front seat. I close the door and find about 2 to 3 pair of heels at the back seat. Those aren’t really nice but those are definitely women’s shoes. So I thought these must be his girlfriend’s. I say, “Why are you driving your girlfriend’s car? Where’s your car?”. He smiles and he says, “Just ‘cause”. All right, that’s a good enough answer. Why should I care if he drives his girlfriend’s car, I don’t have the right to know why. So I look away and bury my thoughts into the outside view. He drives fast. Like he always do. He says, “This isn’t my girlfriend’s car. It’s my sister’s. I sent my car to the workshop”. He gently puts on a smile and look at the mirror, to find me. And I don’t want to ask anything anymore because I like this answer, wouldn’t want to know anything else, except that. I smile and look away.

That night, I had this dream. He looked just like him in the real life. Dreams are supposed to be real?

I drive through the hazy air. It’s my contact lenses. I couldn’t see clearly at nights. I have Coldplay’s The Scientist on and I sing along to it. Knowing every single word and every single beat. I am always known to love the song, during my college years, a friend would tease me saying, “You need someone to love you”. And this song actually made my ex-boyfriend getting me back, together again (for a little while). Flashbacks, I thought, just makes it harder to breathe and see in this car. I let them go.

This is quite a bumpy road. But I drive fast, I don’t know why. It’s not like I have anyone waiting for me at home. I don’t have my favorite series on TV tonight. I drive till I get at the back of a car. My heart starts to beat faster. I know this car, it’s him. He whom I haven’t seen for months now. I blink couple of times hoping my sight would be clear. There it is, the flat number. It’s him. My cellphone rings, I bend my head down to reach for it and then, damn it!, I hit his car.

I get out of my car, looking at the fresh dents on his car. I look at my Merc, nothing. Shit!. He gets out, looking calm and relaxed.
“Why the hell did you stop like that?!” I shout at him
“Holes everywhere. Why the hell did you follow me so closely?” he says calmly
“I did not! You drive like shit. You always drive fast! I thought you’ll be fast”
“I don’t drive fast on roads like this”
“Well…I was trying to get my cellphone…”
“I thought so…don’t worry about this.I got it”
“No, you can’t get it! I hit you, I need to pay”
“Nah, it’s fine. I can fix this”
“No, look! It’s really terrible. Look!”
“It’s all right. This is the least I can do”
“Over what? For breaking my heart?!”
“What?”
“Let me tell you something about not being in plan. Meeting you, knowing you. That wasn’t in my plan either. But the thing about life is, you don’t always get what you’ve planned. Sometimes you have to accept someone in front of you. Look them in their eyes. Never occurred to you why fate brought us to meet each other in the first place? Bust the plans, it’s what fate is all about. You can’t control…But anyways, like you said, I was never in your plan, so…sorry for ruinning it for ya!” I shout out everything. I lost it there.

He looked clueless, but I know a lot of things are going on in his mind. I walk fast to my car, tyring to hold the tears. I can’t be seen crying in front of him. I’m supposed to be fabulous. I take my reverse and put the gear to D, I drive away.

She who doesn’t know that the opposite truck coming, without a doubt, drunk and losing control, of the bumpy road. With only seconds, Boom! Her car is thrown away rapidly and horribly, to the side of the road, only metres away from him. He is stunned, looking at her car flying about, like in the movies, before his very eyes. “Oh my god, Rissa!”. The sound of the crash makes his heart forgets to beat, for few seconds. He is hoping that this isn’t happening. Running towards the blue Merc, he screams, “Rissa! Damn it , Rissa!”

She doesn’t move, only the blood, lingers through her face, down from her head. She is unconscious. He pulls her out, lay her down on his lap, still calling her name. He taps her gently, then a little more harder and he taps her again with all his strenght, hoping that she wakes up. “Come on Rissa! Open your eyes! Open your eyes! Hear me…please”. She doesn’t move. He looks at her, this time, really look at her, like she always wanted. This is the girl, who believes in me. This is the girl who deserves to live. He holds her so tight until the rescue team arrives.

They are bringing her to the emergency room, pushing the strecher away, away from him and her friends, who came immediately when they receive the call. Now all eyes looking at him, trying to get the real story, and a lot more. How, Why, When, What…

“She might lose some memories. She might not be able to recognize some people. But she’ll recover in time, just help her remember, tell her stories, anything to remind her. She should be all right then.”, the doctor leaves the room.

“Okay now, can do you remember Nurul?”, Mai asked. She nods
“Good, do you remember Hana?”
“Yes” she nods
“Good. That’s pretty much everyone. You doing good Riss.”
“Thanks.”

Everyone leaves the room to take a break. They haven’t been eating anything ever since she opens her eyes. Now there’s only Mai and her. Mai leans closer trying to say something looks secretive.
“Riss…one more person I want to put on test”
“Okay”
“This is really important”
“Okay”
“Riss…do you recall ****?”
“Who?”
“****, Riss…****”
“….I don’t know who he is…is he…someone important to me?”
“….no. No”. Mai looks away, hiding her face.

She doesn’t remember. It’s nothing about him in her mind right now. Her friend doesn’t even planning on helping her to remember. Maybe it’s for the best, Mai thought.

He opens the door slowly, trying not to wake her up, but she’s already awake. She looks at him,
“Sorry, did I wake u?”, he says
“Who are you?” she says
“You don’t know me?”, he says
“I don’t know…I had an accident. Do I know you then? Have we met?”, she says
“I planned not to…and now it came true” he says.

He leaves, nothing more is left. It’s a good clean up, he thinks. Mai waits outside, seeing him, shaking her head signing a “Don’t you ever”. “I can go now”, he whispers to himself.

(**** is the guy’s name. I feel that it’s hard to figure out a name for him. Beyond my ability. I’m sorry for that.)

Chapter X: LITTLE BLACK THING

2008-12-22T19:25:00.000+08:00

He calls me using his cellphone, worried. “I’m coming”, I replied with a smile on my face. “Are you lost dear? You want me to take you?”, he sounded helpful, like always. Always trying to be a hero. I can’t stop looking giggly. I can’t stop feeling one too. It is still chill, while I’m walking down. The street is still wet from the rain, and I’ve always loved the smell of after-rain. My long sleek black coat waving the air as I walk pass through the opposite strong wind.

I climb the lobby escalator, then make my way through the elevator and press, 13. 13 is the number I used to go to, but the past made it a pass. It became insignificance. I keep my smile, Ting, I’m here. I pass the crazily long rooms’ hallway, skipping doors, 1305, 1306, 1307, 1308, then here I am, in front of the door. I call him on the cellphone;

“Ok listen…unlock the sliding, turn on the music player, pick up track 12, stand at the side of the bed looking at the door, then wait…”

I hear my queue, I hear my song, I hear Adele’s version of Make You Feel My Love. I hear the piano.

I insert my spare keycard into the door slot, then I come in. There he is, standing with a red rose in his hand, smiling, with eyes looking straight into mine. ‘When the rain is blowing in your face'…. I walk to him slowly, losing my thoughts. He stands still, keeping his cool. I longed to see that eyes, that hair, and the whole of his figure. And if given a chance, I say this to myself, I want to see his anatomy,
too.

‘…when the evening shadows and the stars appear’…

I stand right in front of him. I opened my coat, and throw it on the floor. I’m left with a soft pasteled purple satin knee-length dress, I bought from the bloomingdales. I smile sheepishly.

“You look amazing”, he says, offering me the rose.

“Thank you”, I say, developing a blush on my cheeks.

I take one step closer to him, and then I’m in his arms. ‘…no doubt in my mind where you belong’…He holds me tightly, longing for me too. The serenade is right, it’s perfect, and I move my arms on his shoulder and around his neck. And we dance, dance to the song and meaning every word she says. My 12^th track on the CD I made. For occasion like this, just for this.

We smell each other’s scents and all I can sense is his own scent. Minus the Ralph Lauren’s, minus the cigarette’s, minus the wine’s. Just him. As we dance away, he moves his left hand inside his back pocket.

He holds a little black box, that is so familiar, a little black box that would make women weak and lost. He slides his body down, and be on his one knee, with his face looking up, at me. Gently he opens it, and there it is, a lavish square cut D bind with glossy white gold. Just like I have imagined. Just like I have dreamed.

“Marry me, and become my wife, for the rest of my life”

There is no perfect answer than Yes. And that’s what I say to him. ‘I can make you happy, make your dreams come true’…

“And where were we?” he says, taking my hands put them on his shoulder.

We keep on dancing, to the same song, throughout the night. Despite the proposal and everything that is perfect tonight, my mind can’t help thinking that before I even come up to the room, he already set the CD player to “Repeat Mode”.

‘…to make you feel my love, to make you feel my love’ ....

Chapter VIII: THE COMMON ROOM & THE NECKLACE

2008-12-22T19:21:00.000+08:00

“Pretentious”, I whisper to no one but undoubtly for everyone. A gigantic piece hanging down, piece of golden triumph, a chandelier that reflects fake generosity (except to the champagne and red wine) in careful motion of lights, ever-so-glamorous. I judge. It’s just a light.

Lacey details embroider works in for charms,
The dangling darlings glow the night,
Serenading to the atmosphere which creates a fairy tale,
“Everyone is a honey”, they say and don’t mean it,
Hands to hold following the footsteps, moves,
Look at those shiny shoes of men being in Italians,
Who knows about these lyrics,
Could be about love, could be about life, grin anyway,
Her tones deafen the spirits calling for authenticity and a place called home,
This is not a home, it’s only in this room

I make my way into the ladies’ where bitches bitching around about others.
“I slept with him twice”
“…he has it soft like all the time”
“she has world’s ugliest ass”
“I hate Chinese girls”
“Jen’s thinking of becoming a vegetarian”
“My mom going for a divorce”

Now where could my necklace be? And where is my steel container?
There it is. There it is.
I spin open clock-wisely, beautifully opens the cylinder-pendant. Against my nostril, I sniff like it is a good perfume that I long to smell.
And it rushes, like an open river streams, to my mind. In my throat I bust the container. Bitter and sweet the water runs. Dual impact. I blink once. I blink twice. Again, hope, again, hope, again, hope, again, then there’s hope. This is good. I like this one. Just like the one before and the one before that. Now everything is all right.

I leave the bitches to perpetual narration, I walk back along the red carpet pathway pointing to a grand archway, “The Gateway To Heaven” written. If heaven is there, I can easily embracing my way to hell now. The serenade is back on the back of my head. It’s sweet this time. I take up one glass after another and resist one dance after another. Flashes of faces; the familiars and the unfamiliars. Grabbing my arms asking for opinions, an inter-conversation without a doubt pretending to care.
“hey how u’ve been?”
“in rehab” I say
Silence. Like the angels have an important thing to say.
“you’re kidding right??”
“Yeah”. No.
Put me in a lie detector, I rather, it’ll be more fun.
“Excuse me, I need to be taken away”, I say
“By who?”
“Myself”, I say

I’m high on this powders
I smile but I tremble
My hand shakes without I’m noticing. But someone notices.
“Is it cold in here?”
“Uh.. yeah, a little bit”, I say
“I think so too. I’m sure they can do something about the chills. They’ll do anything for cash”, she blinks and wait for me to laugh.
“Oh yes, you’re right”, I laugh. Lame.

Then the room starts to spin. Slowly and nicely. Then it’s steady. It is the perfect amount of headache. Just like I need it to be. I smile but I tremble.
“Tipsy, honey? Hey, it rhymes!”
“Oh yes, you’re right” I say
“How many glasses of this you had, darling?”
“I don’t remember”, I say
“Then you must’ve had a lot huh?”
“Oh yes, you’re right”
“Fantastic honey!. We can talk then. I’m not much of a talker but this turns me into Rosie O’donnell”
“Oh yes, you’re right”. I say
“Tell me darling, are you in blues? Your eyes, as big as those, tell me that you are”
“Oh yes, you’re right”, I say
“Oh you poor little thing. Hey! Listen! It’s my favorite song! Oh I must dance! I must!”, Vanishes, gone into the crowd, the half zipped back faggot.
“Oh yes, you’re right” , I say.

And then there they are. The antiques. At every corner. They ought to catch my eyes, but only for a while. My body is uplifted. The song doesn’t sound haunting anymore. Gracefully they become acceptable beats to my ears. The ones that ease your bones then your soul. Tremendously great, I think. I’m high on the roof. The room is a delight. I’m delighted.
Now where is my table. There it is, the oh-so-familiars but strangely don’t feel like one.

“Where you’ve been?!”
“No where. The ladies’, the powder room, whatever they called it these days”, I say
“What’s taking you so long?!”
“This is your problem because….?”, I say
“Were you sniffing in there?!”
“This is your major concern because….?”, I say
“Quit being a smarty ass. What are you on?”
“I need to be taken away. Air is what I need”, I say
“Are you on coke, again?!”
“I’ll be right back, with sizzling answers”, I say

Bitches and jerks. All eyes on me like on the Ouija calling for answers.

I walk out the door. I need air. I need fresh air. I light my Virginia Slims. This is just about right, the kind of air that I need. Wait, there’s a figure, a man. This one is a stranger now but not to my heart. He saw me from the very beginning, I think.
“Are you following me?”, he says
“Are you following me?”, I say
“No. I’ve been standing right here”, he says
“I’m going to that corner”, I say
“No, wait. Stay here”, he says
“Where’s your girlfriend?”, I say
“She’s uh… inside”, he says
“How u’ve…”, he says
“I don’t recall your voice. I don’t remember your smell. I forgot how it feels like kissing you. I hardly remember things you’ve said to me. That’s how I’ve been.”, I say
“Ok. Don’t you wanna know how I am?”, he says
“No”, I say
“Just so you know, I wasn’t exactly having fun, leaving you”, he says
“Just so you know, It wasn’t fun either, being left by you”, I say
“Why are you doing this to yourself. You need help”, he says
“This is the best help that I got”, I say
“I guess I don’t have the right to tell you not to do this”, he says
“Stop pretending that you care..”, I say
“Your nose”, he says
“nose? Try heart”, I say
“No. really, your nose. It’s bleeding”, he says
“It is not”, I say
“Come, let me…”, he says

My blood stains his Armani, both shirt and skin. A lot. Too much to notice.

“Would you marry someone like this?”, I say
“You’re not someone like this”, he says
“Then what am I?”, I say
“You’re someone that I would marry”, he says

Thoughts From The Fridge

2008-12-22T19:16:00.000+08:00

At 2 a.m in the morning, your eyes still at war. And when anything goes to war, it won't easily come home without a fight. What happens when you are awake at this time around? Where there is only silence and dark streets outside, all that is coming is probably thunder which comes along with rain. Heart and mind are supposed to be bestfriends. But tonight, they speak rage against each other, trying to dominate and prove each other's wrong. You start to feel the rush. A little voice screams loud for nicotine-therapy and then there's another voice coming from nowhere of your system saying, you've done good 2 months without it just hang on a little harder. See, this is a battle that you're thinking about. 'You vs. You'. You are right about the rain somehow, it's dropping by now, accepting your invitation. You feel the chills and so ready to make them as a lullaby. You open up the fridge door and find a glass of milk. The glass wasn't half full neither half empty but what's for sure is the milk is spoilt. You smile thinking that life is like that. You can hear all the sayings people make but it's you who know what's really happening. It is amazing how little things can open up your thought into something big. You learn, even from bad milk. If you linger through all the stuff in that fridge, you'll probably learn from the red tomatoes and 'botol kicap' too. The ultimate questions are on the table right next to the fridge. You find your way at the empty dining table and wonder. If you cannot get what you want, can God at least make you want something that you can have? It is simply a diversion which is so much easier to handle. Since you are too smart for your own self, you'll need God's trick to manipulate your sorrow. That is the only way to go. Then you ask about the trade you made with God. You want to know what the progress is. You wanted to trade love with career. You given up love desire for something else but you are still not going anywhere. Tell me this is a dream, you say. You want to close your eyes and open up in the next 5 seconds, crossing fingers that this is just a mellow-dramatic dream that you are having because you forget to wash your feet. You try it, and then you feel even foolish. Look at that fridge and how stuffs are kept in it. You have got to be kidding yourself. One more act of judgment on the cooler-box, you are officially nuts. Who are you to question God mysterious ways? Who are you to be mad at the universe? You knew God hears your every thought even if it's ridiculous. You knew that God thinks that it is not that funny to crack jokes like 'why do chickens cross the road'. And you also knew that this is now how your life is. Every seconds of it is who you are and what you have become. Then it is 3.30 a.m.

THE ART OF BEING DIFFERENT

2008-12-22T19:09:00.000+08:00

"I'm sorry. Best of luck", he said. And the next 500 words are about how I screwed the interview. It all started when I turned to Roald Dahl for a career advice. Two roads diverged into one, I took the one less travelled. The irony part is that the job involves a lot of travelling. It had never occurred to mind that I would go for flight attendant position. My family had no background in airlines and none of my friends is an air hostess. I thought I should try out with Emirates Airlines' walk-in interview. Then there I was, coming into Hall B of Renaissance Hotel as early as 9 a.m just to find out that my so called 'less travelled road' were filled with stunningly competitive and beautiful women. I believed my pearl earrings worked out nice and fabulous with the business attire that I put on. I had my pictures taken, one in full length and the other one is in passport size. Both turned out pretty good and I was happy with it. The interview session took a while to start. I took my chance mingling around looking for someone to share tingles and hopefully some tips. I met two, pleasant people. They fed my mind with Boeings, Airbuses, and long-hauls. They asked, "You came for the money right?". Money? I never came for the money. I came because I believe in that poet. I explained that it is about time I do things that I want rather than barking for approvals from my family and friends. I wanted a life of my own and what is more exciting than starting it off with flying on a very nice plane. "But you know they pay a lot right?", they asked. I looked clueless. "Oh my god! You don't know? Do you know they'll pay you in US dollar and provide you an apartment and discounts everywhere?", they spoke in disbelief of my ignorance. Did I sign up for this? I smiled and I could not get it off my face. For the first time I am certain of what I want to be; a flight attendant of Emirates Airlines. Then I was called to come in for the interview session where I was grouped with the other 10 candidates and put to discuss about iconic buildings. Iconic buildings? I was in trouble. While the three girls were boasting about skyscrapers in Hong Kong and Seattle, and the other one battled for egg-shaped theatre, I blurted out, "Budapest Temple!". Then there was a silence. The rest looked at me as if I cracked a 'why do chickens cross the road' joke. That was when I know I am screwed and I did. I told the two people that I met earlier about what happened in the room and they laughed. "You're really funny. We could use someone like you on a plane. Don't give up", they said. Temple? On the way home, I laughed in the car. These are the causes of being different; you do not care about money, you confuse people with your theories, and you make two friends.

Chapter V: MY AMERICAN PIE

2008-12-22T18:42:00.000+08:00

She asked for a memory replacement. Unfortunately she didn't specify. So it was given to her exactly like she wanted and this time, might be just as bad from the previous one. So along came a fellow person. But it was kind of exciting at first because that's what she felt. So she thought, it worked! She did forget about her ex-boyfriend.

But you are bad for me, But you are a tumor which now has become a cancer.

But it was a false alarm, And if spoken, It is funny. But I'm not laughing.

But I hate you. But I'm addicted. But I need you at nights.

But I'm new. But he wants someone else.

And I shouldn't know lots. Ignorance supposed to be blissful. But I keep knowing.

But I can walk away. But my mind stays still.

And I am not exactly having fun here

But I am sure you are

And you don't need me

And I wander miles away

And I'm thinking

And somehow I still want you

But you are bad for me

She thought this one is a hard one. She wasn't sure of what to do. Could she survive this? She could. Then she wears bikini in her room. She puts on sad songs about heartbreaks. She sings along. She drinks up till she has no more. She thinks, "I want to wear this every night."

She, "I always carry this with me. Just in case you know. You nak satu?"

He, "Urm…yeah. Okay."

I mean OMG! I really said that to a stranger? I actually offered him a condom? Sounded like a slut. But that's not who I am. That was just my alcohol talk. I should really cut down some… This fellow thought I was a freak.

She then wished he knows this:

1) I think you are very handsome.

2) You are sometimes funny but most of the time, you are annoying

3) You are better and smarter than you think you are. Just dream bigger.

4) I am more than this. You should join my drama.

5) You should understand me

6) I could be the one

She, "I think I love your smell"

He, "You suka perfume i?"

She, "I'm not sure if it's your perfume. But you smell nice."

He, "You have your own smell too"

Yeah…but do you like it?

I am not ashamed

For I am only human

Humans are idiots

Humans are stupid

Humans get hurt

Humans cry

Humans are all the same

Humans are different

She is Ally McBeal with all the crazy fantasies and loneliness

She is Carrie Bradshaw with all the inner thoughts, case of the Ex, wit, and friendship.

She is Rachel Green with all the 'easy way out', confusion and dramatic motions

She is Marissa Cooper with all the alcohol, drugs, sadness and silence

She is Peyton Sawyer with the anger, black tee & short skirt, and music obsession

She is Susan Mayers with the funny desperation.

She, "Stupid flow!"

He laughs

She, "Betul lah! Stupid flow! Next time, don't follow the flow"

He, "So flow stops here? Tak pergi laut terus ke?"

Okay. Fine. All right.

Don't worry about me, I'll just drink up

Cheers!

Cheers to painful past

Cheers to the guy I thought I knew

Cheers to Bandung vacation

Cheers to my stupidity

Cheers to my dramatic love story

Cheers to you and your loved one

She, "kenapa pandang macam tu?"

He, "Muka you sedih. I kesian tengok muka you"

She, "Wait after Bandung"

He, "Kenapa?"

She, "It's going to be different."

Elevator is really slow

Night is extra cold

Walk me to my car

Why holding hands?

Out of pity?

I don't need this

Don't say anything

I could cry. I don't want to cry in front of a guy

Start the car

Hold me tight

She, "Maybe it's your fault"

He, "Maybe but.."

She, "But what?"

He, "You were never in my plan".

She gets back to Damien Rice Therapy, in her room, with Bikini on.

Singers. Brother. God

2008-12-22T18:32:00.000+08:00

She who sings for me all the heartbreaking songs about being left alone at the corner of the bed, and waking up finding no one is there and being so deeply in love and lust on Sunday afternoon. All the right words are filling my head with beautiful, free-spirited melodies.

She and I are connected and hand-in-hand figuring out the answers and wonders in mind. Chills and pleasure that i am feeling could soon be over in just a second. All from different person and from this i could sense greed. And i'm not proud about it.

She sings songs that are never happy ending. No matter how hard i try. No matter how hard i believe but it seems to be one step further away. Like i'm at fault here. Like i'm the villain in my own story. Then i remembered my little conversation with Syafig (my brother).

"Do you notice that my love life is always sappy?" "Like I really deserve it. It's been planned out"

"I have a theory for that" (like he always had)

"Tell me please mister philosopher "

"Well, when God make u sad. It's only because of these 2 things." "One, punishment. You might did something bad before. Two, Hikmah. You'll probably gonna gain something from the pain."

"........." (I was in silence)

"So think about it. I love you and all...but stop bothering me. Now, out of my room"

Then there is a second lady singing me a song that relates to my past. A painful grip that i wish i could let go anytime soon. I knew i am so ready to do it but I don't. I'm battling myself in this impossible fight. I cry. I weep. I ask God why, even though i know I am not really HIS favourite at the moment. But HE is the only true listener. And i feel the strength back again.

"I think i know why God makes me sad"

"Good. You have your own theory. Let's hear it"

"Because HE loves me"